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have you ever had similar moments: when taking photos in public, you always appear restrained, and unconsciously make a stiff "scissor hand" when facing the camera; on the eve of an exam, even if you have reviewed thoroughly, you are ashamed to talk about it, for fear that the results will not be as good as expected and will attract ridicule; before talking to strangers, you are full of inner drama, and when you meet acquaintances, you hope that each other can "turn a blind eye".

this subtle feeling of hiding in public due to lack of confidence is vividly called "stealing" on online social platforms. many young people tend to do things quietly, not wanting to attract attention from others, and would like to put on a "cloak of invisibility".

"stealing feelings" is the protective color of some young people

xu jing, a junior journalism student, considers herself a typical e person ("e" refers to the extroverted personality in the mbti personality test - reporter's note), but after entering university, she always likes to enter the classroom from the back door and sit in the back row. "sitting in the back row makes me feel more relaxed and listen to the class more freely." xu jing explained that whether she wants to "slack off" in class or not, the back row can avoid interaction with the teacher, giving her more freedom.

during the internship, this "stealing feeling" still accompanies her. xu jing often deliberately lowers the brim of her hat and quickly slips to her workstation, trying to avoid "unexpected encounters" with the teacher. even when going to the toilet or drinking water, she avoids the teacher's seat to avoid face-to-face and eye contact. when she must communicate, she prefers to communicate online. "i am a fairly extroverted person, but i am not good at dealing with teachers and leaders. i feel like a gray mouse."

chen wu, associate professor at the institute of developmental and educational psychology of wuhan university, believes that this kind of "stealing feeling" is a very common phenomenon. from a psychological perspective, it is a self-protection mechanism derived from long-term learning life. due to motivations such as not wanting to answer questions, students choose a more advantageous position - the back row, in order to gain more sense of security.

"everyone needs a comfort zone, which also means that college students have the right to make their own choices."ocean university of chinasenior psychological counselor liu ting said that the "stealing feeling" may reflect the uneasiness when dealing with "authority". subconsciously, we regard the older superiors as strict and even punitive. when we get along with others with such an impression, we may want to avoid them all the time and lose the opportunity to express ourselves.

lin jia, who has been working for more than a year, also faces the trouble of "stolen feeling", which is particularly obvious when she takes photos and goes shopping alone, especially when visiting specialty markets or trendy brand stores. "social phobia" and "fashion phobia" make her feel uncomfortable. she said frankly: "the feeling of being uncomfortable and extremely embarrassed is really hard to endure." when faced with the products she likes, she doesn't even dare to ask the price. she is full of contradictions: "i really want to communicate with the store owner, but i am afraid that if i just ask but don't buy, i will be disliked, so i just don't ask."

liu ting believes that this is the inevitable growth path for young people entering the workplace, and they need to face it bravely to achieve self-consistency. on the road to self-development, it is crucial to learn to withstand the ups and downs of emotions. "recognizing your own 'stealing' may be a sign of personal maturity."

xu jing felt the same way, and she told the reporter about her confusion: why can she communicate confidently and defend her rights online, but feel embarrassed in real life? chen wu analyzed that this might be an illusion of "digital natives", who have been immersed in online communication for a long time and have established a safe and comfortable communication environment. liu ting further added that text communication behind the screen gives people more room for thinking and they can ask others for help when conflicts occur, while face-to-face communication tests impromptu reactions and offline social skills.

afraid of admitting excellence, afraid of a "satisfying" life

the serious "stealing feeling" has quietly eroded zhang mu's interpersonal relationships. as a junior, she returned from studying in the library all day and faced her roommate's questioning, but she couldn't help but deny it. she said frustratedly that this had become a conditioned reflex.

three years ago, zhang mu first went to study in a foreign country and was very defensive of the outside world. she acted low-key to avoid attracting attention. the competition in college made her choose to work hard "secretly", which resulted in zhang mu not making any close friends. "i would envy my classmates when they were in groups, but i was worried about getting hurt or failing, so i chose to protect myself like a hedgehog." zhang mu admitted that the habit of losing weight and studying secretly gave her a sense of security, but also made her feel lonely.

chen wu said that the so-called "hidden effort" is based on insecurity about the competitive situation. trying to create a sense of superiority through the illusion of working alone is actually a self-protection mechanism against insecurity.

of course, it usually takes 3-6 months to adapt to a new environment. if you find that you still cannot integrate into the new environment after more than a year, find it difficult to establish interpersonal relationships and feel anxious about it, and even affect your sleep, it is recommended that you seek professional psychological counseling.

liu ting believes that being afraid of letting others know that you are working hard is also a subconscious reaction of society. as the saying goes, "the first bird to stick its head out gets shot", this is not only a deep-rooted impression, but also a truth that people have learned as they grow up. however, adolescence is the stage when people are eager to be "seen", and society needs young people who are brave enough to show their wings to promote vitality and innovation.

"being afraid of admitting excellence is also a habitual trauma response." liu ting pointed out that being afraid of a "sense of pleasure" life and only living a "sneaky" life is essentially a fear of being punished after exposing oneself. self-expression is inevitably accompanied by voices of praise and criticism, but these voices should not be projected onto oneself. for people with a strong "sneaky" feeling, exposing oneself means that "punishment" will also follow.

chen wu said that people need to rely on feedback from others to enhance their sense of self-worth and to improve communication between people. without affirmation from others, they cannot enjoy the fruits of their own efforts, which can easily lead to confusion in young people's self-identity, hinder the realization of self-worth, and even induce a "lying flat" mentality.

abandon the "stealing feeling" and embrace the "imperfect" self

there is no right or wrong in "stealing feelings". when it is used as a neutral word to make fun of, it is also a way for young people to accept themselves. liu ting praises young people for naturally accepting themselves in this way, rather than being trapped under strong pressure. "when we can detect which part of ourselves has the 'stealing feeling' or why we have the 'stealing feeling', we can realize our own shortcomings and find a more free and comfortable space in social situations."

however, in the long run, the insecurity caused by the "stealing feeling" will lead to an unconfident personality, affect interpersonal relationships, and be detrimental to the acquisition of real resources. or indulging in the bubble of security brought by the "stealing feeling" and not going all out in action, "stealing" for the sake of pursuing the "stealing feeling" is self-limiting.

after realizing the harm of "stealing feelings" to interpersonal relationships, zhang mu actively changed and began to consciously "open up" himself, turning his attention to competing with himself, generously admitting his shortcomings, and calmly accepting the results of his efforts. "this year, i found that i have gradually made more friends around me. everyone said that they didn't realize that i was such an interesting person before. this feeling is great."

lin jia and xu jing have been practicing their offline communication skills, actively talking to teachers and strangers, and being more tolerant of themselves. "it's not that scary to take photos on the street. there may even be kind passers-by who will take photos with you," lin jia said excitedly.

how can young people break through their inner barriers and enjoy a "refreshing life"? chen wu suggested: first, while learning to be alone, they should also actively integrate into society and complete social connections; second, they should have the courage to jump out of their comfort zone and dare to try and challenge. many times, we overestimate the harm and danger of breaking through ourselves. youth is the capital for trial and error, and breaking through oneself is an important way to grow.

what is the insecurity behind the “stolen feeling” that young people are afraid of?

liu ting believes that what young people are really afraid of is their own imperfections, being disliked, and failing to meet the expectations of others. she encouraged: you might as well tell yourself that you have grown up, accept your imperfections, accept the fact that you cannot be liked by everyone, and distinguish between real risks and unnecessary fears. i believe that young people have enough strength and courage to face unfamiliar and embarrassing situations. in the end, you will find that while being responsible for yourself and others, you also embrace your imperfect self.

intern zhang chenlu china youth daily and china youth network reporter guo shaoming source: china youth daily

source: china youth daily