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compiled by: zheng xiao

editor: cai juan

as the new semester approaches, parents will once again face the challenge of accompanying their children to do their homework. during this critical period, how to effectively support children's learning has become the focus of parents.sunny mom, a national second-level psychological counselor, and tian hongjie, a doctor of developmental and educational psychology from beijing normal university, and discuss in depth the learning anxiety and aversion to learning that children may face at the beginning of the school year. share how to cultivate children's independent learning ability through the effective combination of family education and school education, and how to help children smoothly adapt to the study life in the new semester through scientific accompanying learning methods.

sunny mom: at the beginning of the school year, many mothers begin to complain about the difficulty of helping their children with homework. what role do you think parents should play when helping their children with homework?

sunny mom:just before the live broadcast started, i was discussing this issue with teacher tian. although i have been a counselor for more than ten years, my parents are also teachers, and i am also a doctoral student, i really encounter many problems when helping my children with homework or accompanying them. this is a professional problem, or the substitution of our roles as parents, which is really sad. everyone, listen to my voice. it has only been two weeks since the start of school, and my voice is no longer smooth and clear. that silver bell-like sound has long left me.

tian hongjie:the situation mentioned by teacher qingtian is very representative. although she is an expert in psychology and has three children, even though she has many years of experience in psychology, she still feels anxious when accompanying her three children. in fact, i think everyone should feel relieved when hearing this. don't think that psychology experts will not be anxious when facing children's learning problems. in fact, i was also very anxious when my children were young. seeing children procrastinating and dawdling in their studies, the anger in my heart sometimes really comes up.

but now i am not so anxious, because my child is in the third year of junior high school. you can say that he is a "helper" on my research journey. what does it mean? when i go home at night, i originally wanted to take a rest after dinner, but when i saw him studying, i would be embarrassed to browse my phone or sing beside him, right? so i would bite the bullet and sit down to work. he is studying, i am working, and i want to take a break on the weekend after a busy week, but the child sits down to study again, so i can only continue to work. in this case, i feel that my child seems to have been "helping" my research work in the past two or three years. but the energy invested throughout the entire elementary school stage is indeed very high.

so what role should parents play? many parents will hear a saying when their children are doing homework: "you don't need to accompany your children at all. so-and-so's parents never cared about their children since they were young, but the children were admitted to tsinghua university and peking university." others say that the more you accompany your children, the worse their independent learning ability will be. if you accompany them, it will be the end of them. but is this really the case? what i want to say is that this requires a specific analysis of the child's situation.

there is a concept in psychology called "normal distribution". children's intelligence and self-management ability are also normally distributed.what does it mean? this is a straw hat-shaped curve, with most children in the middle and a very small number at both ends. at one end are children who have no effect no matter how much they accompany their children, and do not want to learn at all; at the other end are children with superior intelligence, strong management skills, and strong persistence. it doesn't matter if you don't accompany these 3% of children, they have strong learning ability and can persist. so there are indeed a small number of children who can learn well on their own without their parents accompanying them.

but this is not the case for most kids.for most children, if their parents are not accompanying them, they are particularly likely to develop negative ideas when they encounter boring content in their studies, or when they see others can do something but they can't.for example, when writing essays, they may think: "i am ok in math, but i am really bad at writing and i am not good at liberal arts." at this time, the child may begin to fear chinese. similarly, when solving math problems, some children may not encounter questions that really challenge their intelligence, but when they get stuck on a certain problem, they will feel that they are not good enough.

children also have natural differences in their ability to control themselves. some children are born with strong self-control, while others are less so.if we don't accompany them, they may feel that they can't do it after trying several times, and then retreat or even escape. the instinct of life is to tend to do useful things and avoid useless things. if a child feels that his efforts are ineffective in learning, he will escape from learning. therefore, it is not okay not to accompany them. we need to be the companions of children in their learning.

however, what teacher qingtian mentioned just now is also very important. we can't just force children to do their homework. you can't force them to do their homework by holding their hands. the most difficult thing about accompanying learning is that you can't replace them to complete their homework, nor can you transfer your knowledge directly into their heads, just like you can't take money out of your pocket and put it in his pocket. if this is really possible, teacher qingtian won't have to worry. she can directly pass on the wisdom of peking university to her children, but obviously this is impossible.

sunny mom: when parents accompany their children to do homework or study, what situations do you think should be avoided? are there any phenomena that you think are chaos, or that may cause both parents and children to suffer losses?

tian hongjie:in the past, especially before the introduction of the double reduction policy, many parents invested a lot of energy in accompanying their children to extracurricular classes. some mothers even used ipads to record the entire class. i asked them, "why do you record these?" they would answer, "i go back to sort out my thoughts, and i can also explain the parts that my child doesn't understand to him." this highly engaged state, where parents learn once and then explain it to their children, actually has two possibilities behind it.

one possibility is that the parents really have enough educational wisdom, not only know how to solve problems, but also understand educational psychology, and have a very stable mentality. she accompanies her children with this knowledge, is not impatient, understands the children's difficulties, and can provide appropriate help. if this kind of "perfect" parent can really be achieved, it is indeed an ideal situation. she will not get angry with the child, and will give the child time and opportunity to adjust when the child makes a mistake. this is of course a perfect state.

but the problem is that it is difficult for people to do this. when you have invested so much time and energy and learned everything so clearly, but facing a child who is not as attentive as you and does not understand as easily as you do, can parents remain calm? i think it is very difficult. when you have invested so much, you will definitely have high expectations for this matter. you hope to have a sense of certainty and control. however, the growth of children is full of uncertainty, and you cannot get results as linearly as you expect.

many times,in the early stage, you may feel that accompanying your child is very effective, but as time goes by, the effect may weaken and even restrict the child's growth. in my book, i mentioned a phenomenon called "over-intensive accompanying education". when we keep urging children to study, it will present an "inverted u-shaped curve". at the beginning, as the intensity of accompanying increases, the child's grades may indeed improve, but at a certain stage, further increasing the intensity of accompanying will lead to a decline in grades.you will find that other people’s children are still making progress in the fourth and fifth grades, while your child is “lying flat”, and parent-child conflicts are intensifying.

at present, many families around us have this problem. parents are too involved in accompanying their children to study, and they control too much. they cannot control their mentality and words and deeds. when facing their children, some parents may behave rudely, while others sigh in disappointment or even despise them. all of these will hurt children.

in addition, there are also the effects of beating, scolding and yelling. many parents have found thatbeating, scolding and yelling not only make children dumber, but also make their academic performance worse. this has a neurophysiological basis. beating, scolding and yelling will trigger the child's "fight or flight response". this response will make the child feel attacked and afraid. if the child has the ability to fight back, he may "fight"; if not, he will choose to "escape".

in this state, the body will stimulate energy, speed up the heartbeat, increase blood pressure, and blood will flow to the limbs, while the brain will not be supplied with enough blood. at the same time, the secretion of cortisol will inhibit the brain's thinking ability. in fact, adults can also feel it themselves. whenever you have an impatient quarrel with your children, your brain will not work well, you can't think of a solution, and you just want to beat the child, right? the child's reaction is the same.

sunny mom:the "fight-or-flight response" mentioned by teacher tian is very vivid. in fact, i have similar observations. when i was a child, i had a classmate whose parents were also teachers. they had accompanied him to study since he was a child, and his grades were very good in junior high school. but in high school, the situation changed. when i accompanied my child to do homework, it was more of "physical but not mental". i was doing my own things next to him, such as writing a paper. after all, i am also a doctoral student, and the process is very difficult. when the child is doing homework, i am also writing my own things or reading books. i won't stare at his homework, and i don't even care how many mistakes he made. i think the part of correcting homework can be allowed for their classmates to correct each other, and i don't think this is a problem. the key is that i will not be responsible for the results of his learning. i care more about his state during the learning process.

i noticed that some parents would record the entire course, learn it themselves, and then teach it to their children. i want to share with you a real example, not to scare you with data, but a phenomenon i observed. in our era, many teachers' children had good grades in junior high school because their parents were always with them. but in high school, the situation is different. high school no longer has only six courses. in our era, it was chinese, mathematics, english and comprehensive subjects, with as many as nine to ten courses. moreover, high school students' daily schedule is almost all in school, and parents can no longer keep up with their learning pace.

in this way, you will find that those children who are at the top of their class in junior high school and whose parents spend a lot of time with them may not perform as well as expected in high school. one reason is thatchildren's psychology and learning motivation are dependent on their parents. they often learn to "make their parents happy".the problem arises when parents can no longer help them. secondly, parents’ knowledge structure and ability can no longer keep up, especially when faced with complex high school courses. finally, as children grow up, parents’ influence on them becomes less and less, and children’s learning pace and mentality begin to become more important.

as mentioned in teacher tian's book, learning methods and motivation systems are very important. i lost my temper with my children yesterday because they went to bed after 9 o'clock every day for two weeks after school started. i can accept that they can't finish their homework, but i can't accept that they are still awake after 9 o'clock. i said to them: "if you have to stay up late to complete the homework assigned by the school now, and the school homework is not much, what will you do when you are in the senior grades?"

i also discussed the issue of efficiency with the children. i asked them, "do you think you are smart or stupid?" they said they were smart, but not very efficient. i pointed out the reason why they did not finish their homework at 9 o'clock and discussed the issue of homework quantity. as a result, the children admitted that they went to catch crickets while doing homework after class. i told them that i understand the desire to play, but i hope they can adjust the time for homework and entertainment by themselves.

this process made me reflect that many methods that we parents thought were effective in the past may not work well on today's children.

sunny mom: for working parents who need to balance work and spending time with their children, what methods can effectively improve their children’s learning efficiency?

tian hongjie: how to improve learning efficiency? we have expectations for children's learning efficiency, but in this process, it is important not to urge them repeatedly, but to ask them when the results are not achieved: "what is so difficult about this? what do you need me to help you with? if i can't help, how do you solve it yourself?" this is a question we may need to think about every day when we go home. beating, scolding, and yelling are definitely ineffective, so what should we do?

for example, how to improve learning efficiency? in fact, this includes not only how to organize homework, but also how to quickly enter the learning state. children sometimes procrastinate before learning, fail to start, or easily lose focus during learning. so how to achieve the highest efficiency per unit time? we should also pay attention to how to learn from mistakes and apply them to other situations, rather than trying to escape when we encounter mistakes.

why do children procrastinate before studying?there is a difference between children doing something they don't want to do and doing something they like. they won't procrastinate on something they are interested in, such as playing games. but when faced with a lot of homework or particularly difficult homework, procrastination will occur.some children would procrastinate for hours when writing an essay because it was too difficult for them. others showed poor language sense and memory when reciting, which led to frustration in their studies and led to procrastination.

there is an "iceberg theory" in psychology. the top of the iceberg is behavior, and the bottom is subconsciousness and needs. although we keep reminding children to study hard on the surface, if they feel helpless and incompetent deep down, they will escape.our job is to help children eliminate that "sigh" and stop feeling stressed about homework.

in my book, i mention three ways to help children eliminate this feeling of helplessness.

the first method is the checklist method. the core of the checklist method is to take out a lot of messy things in the child's mind and put them on an external visual list. too many things in the brain will produce invisible pressure and affect cognitive resources. when you put these tasks on the list and your eyes can see everything, the psychological pressure will be reduced. this checklist method is not only suitable for children, but also for us adults. by making a list, we can gradually calm down and help children face specific tasks more focused.

the second method is the quick start method. pick the simplest and easiest task from the list, especially the one that the child is interested in. we should choose things that do not require too much neural energy to complete, so that the child can start with simple tasks and gradually get into the state. for example, let the child read a text. reading a text is not difficult and can easily activate the brain's neuronal connections, thereby helping the child enter the learning state.

the third method is the tick method. each time a task is completed, a check mark is placed on the list. although this action of checking a box may seem simple, it actually brings a sense of accomplishment and pleasure to children. when children see the completed tasks and check the boxes, their brains secrete endorphins, making them feel happy. this positive feedback can enhance children's persistence and make them willing to continue to complete the next task instead of viewing learning as a hassle.

i suggest that you use a good combination of these three methods: the checklist method, the quick start method, and the check-box method.

sunny mom:i found it very interesting when you mentioned the concept of "expectation management". you just said that most children are "ordinary children", which is particularly important. i have also talked about this issue with several seniors in peking university. they all lamented that their children were also "ordinary children". they changed schools and ended up being ranked last and had to take extra classes. this situation is particularly resonant because many parents hope that their children can become the 1%, but in fact, most children are not the 1%. the sooner you recognize this reality, the more you can avoid detours.

i have a friend who is a very successful entrepreneur. he told me, "raising a child depends on the input-output ratio." he invested a lot of time, energy and money, but found that his child's grades "fell below the issue price". what was he trying to do? in the end, he realized that if the child really couldn't get into a prestigious school, then was it still meaningful to invest so much time and energy?

sunny mom: how can parents manage expectations when accompanying their children to study? what are the techniques for accompanying children to study? 

tian hongjie:my mindset has definitely changed a lot the longer i’ve worked in education, especially since i had kids of my own.

when i just graduated from college, i believed in the power of education and was convinced that any child could be trained to be a talent through correct behavior shaping. at that time, i also agreed with the view of psychologist watson that as long as i was given a group of children, i could make them grow into experts in any field through my education system. however, as i came into contact with more and more children, especially after i had my own children, my concept changed.

before my own child went to primary school, i also had that kind of confidence, thinking that my child's education was completely under control. my child did very well in kindergarten. he especially loved games, was full of curiosity, and was very focused. i remember one time, i found that he had dressed up more than a dozen dolls at home, and carefully arranged every little sock and every button. at that time, i thought to myself, this child has a really good concentration.

however, when he entered elementary school, the déjà vu that teacher qingtian mentioned just now suddenly appeared. the eraser began to have holes, and the homework began to look annoying. the child was often distracted when doing homework, and even went to my sister's house, and then the academic master in my sister's house would say to him: "why is it so difficult for you to study? why are you still a primary school loser?" this change made me feel very painful.

as a psychologist, psychology has given me a great advantage, which is to help me face the pain of shattered expectations. i used to think that i could shape my child through the right education and that my education was successful, but after he entered elementary school, this narcissism was completely shattered. i found that my child's learning state in school was so difficult. he seemed inefficient in learning, which made me feel helpless.

in this process of lowering expectations, there will definitely be struggles and pain in the heart. many parents may think: "why is my child so inefficient? why can't he do it?" this emotion will emerge again and again when the child performs poorly. i have also tried to distance myself and let my child learn on his own while i do my own thing. but every time i see him dawdling, my anger will suddenly rise. although i won't scold him immediately, the feeling of impatience is very real.

however, psychology has helped me realize that yelling and beating are not helpful to children. yelling and scolding have many disadvantages. it not only affects children's learning, but also hurts the parent-child relationship. so,when we face this kind of "shattered expectations", we need to adjust our mindset to accept the child's condition. this is not a smooth process, but it is necessary.

just now we talked about how to lower expectations, which is actually a very important process. first of all, you have to understand that you cannot completely control some of your child's behaviors. when you realize this, you can use the "draw two lines" method when setting goals.

usually, we have an ideal line in our minds, which indicates the level we expect our children to achieve, such as high learning efficiency, high accuracy of homework, etc. but you need to put this line in your mind temporarily and don't always use it to measure your child's performance.you need to focus on two other lines: one is the child's current development level, and the other is the realistic goal level he can reach with our help. the area between these two lines is called the "zone of proximal development," and this area is where reasonable goals should be set for children.

for example, if a child learns 20 words today and performs well in the evening dictation, but the next day when he goes to school, he makes seven or eight mistakes when the teacher tests him, and this happens several times in a row. many parents may be very angry, thinking that their children are either stupid or not paying attention, because they listened well yesterday, why did they make so many mistakes today? therefore, parents may set a goal for their children to only make two or three mistakes, thinking that this is normal performance.

but if we don't achieve this goal for ten weeks in a row, then we need to re-examine our expectations. the child's current level is: he can learn words at home, but he will make seven or eight mistakes at school the next day. this current level of development is his true state. we can lower the goal a little bit and ask ourselves: can we reduce the seven or eight wrong words to five or six?

at the same time, as parents, we should be curious about where the child's problem lies. you can ask the child: "why did you clearly know it last night, but you got seven or eight wrong in the classroom today?" don't use a blaming tone, but with curiosity, help the child find out the difficulties he encountered. for example, the child may say: "if i look at it again, i can remember where i went wrong, but i forgot when the teacher tested me." then we can try to help the child review these easy-to-make mistakes in the morning, and maybe the test results the next day will be slightly better, with five or six mistakes instead of seven or eight.

in this way, we gradually help children improve a little bit on their current level, no longer demanding that they reach their ideal goal immediately, but focusing on their progress within the "zone of proximal development". in this way, children will find the task less difficult, and parents' expectations will become more realistic.

this is the basic idea of ​​"expectation management". you need to accept your child's current level, help him find the right way to improve, and then improve his performance in the "zone of proximal development" step by step.

when a child finds that he has solved his own difficulties and has improved through this small progress, he will be more willing to continue to move up step by step on the steps we have built.the first step parents should take when accompanying their children is to break our fantasy of omnipotent control, accept their current level, and understand their "zone of proximal development."

when we adjust our expectations, find out the child's current level, and use reasonable methods to help them move forward, the child will be able to experience a small sense of success in the process, thereby stimulating more motivation to learn. this is an effective learning companionship strategy. parents should learn to let go of their high expectations of their children, put more effort into seeing the child's true level, and help them gradually improve through effective methods.

the key to this method is that parents must truly understand their children’s current situation, rather than replacing their children’s actual situation with their own expectations.

sunny mom: many parents face the problem of balancing their children's study pressure and entertainment time. children do need some space and flexibility in the learning process. but when parents see their children playing games or daydreaming, they easily get angry and think that their children are not studying seriously and are wasting time. how do you think we can help children balance study pressure and entertainment time?

tian hongjie:i think parents, especially those facing lower grade children, must not be greedy and blindly think that as long as they spend more time on learning, their grades will definitely improve greatly. if we ignore their interest in life and their fun in other things when they are in lower grades, this neglect may cause problems for their future development.

a child's brain will form nerve fiber connections in the environment he is exposed to. for example, if a child always helps you cook, sprinkle scallions, wash rice, and make dumplings when he is young, then when he encounters these things again, his brain will stimulate a sense of familiarity, which will bring him pleasure. similarly, if a child often runs in nature and feels the autumn breeze when he is young, these beautiful memories will leave traces in his brain, and when he encounters similar situations in the future, he will have a sense of familiarity and happiness.

if children have many different interests from an early age, such as drawing, listening to music, sports, etc., their brains will become very easy to satisfy, and they will get pleasure from many aspects of life. but if we ignore these pleasures and tell children that "only learning is important, other things are meaningless", then when they lose these pleasures in life, problems will arise.

maybe investing more time in elementary and middle school can indeed lead to improved grades, but if children do not develop other interests, they may not be able to find a sense of meaning in other aspects when they encounter setbacks. when they enter a new and more challenging environment and find that their original efforts and intelligence are no longer enough to make them stand out, this sense of frustration will make them very helpless. and if they cannot find fun and meaning in life, they will feel that life is meaningless.

i once met a child who recalled his experience in primary school. before going to a tutoring class, he was having a lot of fun playing in the garden, but his mother called him to class and said, "play after class." however, after class, he was sent to another tutoring class, and the joy of running in the garden was gone. when he entered high school and began to feel depressed and didn't want to go to school, his heart was filled with nostalgia and resentment for those happy times in his childhood.

this example shows thatif we compress children's living space and fun for educational purposes too early, it may end up being counterproductive. learning is not everything in life, especially today, lifelong learning has become a reality - whether it is studying in college, master's, doctoral, or even after work, you need to continue learning. if children lack a sense of meaning in life during their growth, it will be difficult for them to find motivation and goals for learning in the future.

when children are young, don't let excessive educational purposes squeeze their time and interests in other areas. another important point is that if children don't get enough sleep and sacrifice too much for studying, they may eventually lose interest in learning. they may procrastinate or even pretend to study, wasting time on meaningless things.

the ideal state is that children’s eyes shine brightly in learning and in life. in order to achieve this balance, we need to consider children’s whole life from now on. even if children cannot achieve excellent results in a limited time, we should accept their current level and help them improve a little bit. this is the real goal and meaning of education.

sunny mom: how do you balance work and time with your children’s studies?

tian hongjie:indeed, as i mentioned earlier, my child, who is now in the third year of junior high school, can help me with my work to some extent, because when he is studying, i can also take the opportunity to work. but in fact, when he was young, the situation was completely different. at that time, i often felt that my child was like a "stumbling block" on my research path. of course, this word does not sound good, but it did play a role in hindering me.

we always hope to be able to perfectly balance work, raising children, and self-care, but the reality is that there is only so much time. if you draw a pie chart of time, you have to cut it into different pieces for different roles. this means that it is difficult for you to be perfect in every role during the period from the birth of a child to the graduation of elementary school.

at that stage, whether you were working or raising children, you could not achieve full marks. i still remember that when my child was three years old, i applied for a project in beijing. it was supposed to be completed in two or three years, but it was not completed in the third year, and it was not completed in the fourth year. it was not until the fifth year that the research department warned me that if i did not complete the project, the project might be cancelled and the funds that had been spent would have to be returned. so i had to exert all my strength and rush to complete the project at the last moment.

the same is true for taking care of children. once, i rode my bicycle to take my child to kindergarten. when i reached the traffic light, i completely forgot about my child and rode straight to work. my child suddenly shouted from behind: "mom, i don't go to kindergarten anymore? are you going to take me to your work?" this made me realize that i had completely forgotten the task of taking my child to kindergarten.

sometimes our colleagues would ask me: "how is your child's life? how many times does he defecate every day?" i actually didn't know, because the child went to the toilet by himself, and i completely ignored these details of life.

therefore, i can’t be perfect as a mother. i estimate that i can only do 75 to 85 points. as a worker, i may only be around 65 points. in terms of self-care, such as body management and exercise management, i am almost the worst. even when my child was three or four years old, the relationship between me and my wife was the most tense period, because we were squeezed by the trivialities of life and lacked deep emotional communication.

the truth of life is that time is limited, and you have to allocate it among different roles. you can't be perfect in every aspect. accept the reality that you can't do 100 points, accept some "red light" moments, and focus on the most important things at the moment. i think,breaking the expectation of perfection in life is an attitude that we, as mothers and people who play multiple roles, must learn.

don’t be too hard on yourself, don’t always think about not doing this thing well, not doing that thing perfectly. time is limited, you need to tell yourself, “i have tried my best, this is the current situation.” only then can you consider how to optimize, such as how to combine time with children, time for self-growth and time for exercise, and how to improve your understanding of psychology in the process of observing children. only by accepting the current situation can you find space for combination and optimization in different roles.

as your children grow up, time will naturally be freed up, and you can then work harder to make your life more exciting, such as doing your job well or managing your body, etc. this does not mean that you have to always be "adaptive and patient". sometimes, going all out to do something is also the best example for your children.

for example, when i was preparing lessons, i would take it very seriously and tell my child, "mom is doing something very important and wants to do it to the best of her ability." seeing how devoted my child was, he was also influenced. he would even climb onto my lap and help me with small things, such as passing water or making courseware. later, when he first entered elementary school, the teacher asked him to make courseware, and he also said to me very seriously, "today the teacher gave me an important task, and i must do it well."

so,as parents, we sometimes need to work hard. this is not only responsible for ourselves, but also sets an example for our children.it is impossible for us to handle work and family perfectly at all times, but occasionally devoting ourselves to a task can have a very good impact on ourselves and our children.

but don't always demand perfection from yourself all the time. if you feel that your "battery" is exhausted, it may be best to stop and rest for a few days instead of forcing yourself to keep going. forcing yourself to keep going will only make your work and family less effective.

sunny mom: how do you view the relationship between the learning process and the final result? many parents think that as long as the process is hard, the result will be good, while some parents think that the result is the most important and everything else is secondary. how do you view this balance? especially in the process of children's growth, how do you evaluate their learning process and results?

tian hongjie:let’s discuss how to value effort while balancing expectations for end results during the learning process.

indeed, grades are important.don’t tell your children “it doesn’t matter if the grades are good or bad, as long as you are happy”. if children have put in effort in the learning process, then they will definitely hope to get a good result. just like us at work, after putting in effort, of course we hope to get good feedback and recognition, which is also a positive source of motivation.

however, if we only focus on the results and ignore the problems that arise during the process, both children and adults will feel scared, especially when faced with unsatisfactory results. many children feel anxious during the learning process because they are eager for a good result but are unprepared for the problems that may be encountered during the process. when the test skills are not good enough and the test mentality is unstable, children only think about getting a good grade, which increases their pressure.

what we need to do is to shift our focus from the results back to the process. for example, when a child always makes mistakes on certain questions in an exam, but does not make mistakes this time, we should ask the child: "how did you do it this time? what helped you improve?" in this way, the child will realize how the efforts in the process lead to progress.

when children perform poorly in certain areas, we should also be curious and ask: "this question is wrong, what is the difficulty? why do you find it difficult?" use this curiosity to guide, rather than blaming children for why they are wrong. if we continue to pay attention to every detail of the process and help children find areas for improvement, then the next test score will naturally improve.

sunny mom:the balance between process and results is very important. parents need to pay attention to every detail of their children's learning and help them find and solve problems in the process. this kind of attention can not only help children improve their grades, but also give them more confidence and motivation in learning.

sunny mom: as parents, we cannot regard the task of educating children as the responsibility of one person. we must learn to cooperate with teachers, partners, and the community to form a complete support system. can you share some strategies for effective communication with schools and teachers? 

tian hongjie:in addition to methods and motivation, the child's support system is also very important, especially the self-management system and the support from the family and school. the support of teachers has a great impact on children's learning. as children grow up, their sense of self-worth has not been fully established. they usually confirm their position by comparing with their peers and the evaluation of important others. in kindergarten, parents' praise will make children feel great; but in elementary school, the teacher's opinion becomes particularly important. if the teacher trusts and encourages the child, the child will have more confidence in himself and will be more willing to accept help when encountering difficulties.

there is a famous rosenthal effect in psychology. simply put, the teacher's expectations of the students will directly affect the students' performance. if the teacher believes that the child can do it, the child will often make progress under this expectation. on the contrary, if the teacher has low expectations for the child, the child may also give up on himself.

the problem is that sometimes children do things that give teachers a headache, causing teachers to have a bad impression of the children. in this case, how should parents deal with it? for example, some teachers may call parents to complain because the child's performance in class is out of control, and they are very emotional. parents' reactions are very important at this time. many parents will apologize immediately because of the emotional pressure on the teacher, and will also vent their anger on the children and criticize them harshly after returning home. however, this approach will only make children resist teachers and feel that they will always be "bad kids" in the eyes of teachers.

another common reaction is that parents will get angry at the teacher's criticism, or even talk back to the teacher, implying that the problem lies with the teacher. this is also inappropriate because teachers are also human beings with emotions and expectations. if you are too tough, the teacher may feel disgusted with you and your child, and then give the child the cold shoulder, which will affect the child's growth in the class.

therefore, when parents communicate with teachers, they should realize that teachers are also human beings and have emotions.when faced with complaints from teachers, parents should listen calmly, understand the teacher's predicament, and find solutions to the problem while expressing their understanding.just like dealing with a client relationship, you need to give the teacher time to vent and show a willingness to cooperate. this will make the teacher more willing to work with the parents to help the child overcome learning difficulties.

when dealing with teachers' emotions, parents should first realize that teachers are also a problem that needs to be solved. teachers' anger comes from their expectations of classroom management and teaching effectiveness. parents should be prepared and willing to spend time listening to teachers' emotions. even if it means spending 10 to 15 minutes listening to teachers complain, parents should show a willingness to cooperate and give teachers the opportunity to express their anger and frustration. through this listening, parents can gradually guide teachers to express their expectations for their children.

in the process of listening, parents should ask teachers about their specific expectations, such as: "how do you want your child to behave in class?" this will guide teachers to return to rational thinking from emotions. they will tell you that they hope your child will listen carefully in class and create a good learning atmosphere with the whole class. the teacher's expectation is actually that the child can integrate into the classroom environment and listen attentively, which will help improve the learning effect of the whole class.

after you have listened to the teacher's emotions and understood their expectations, parents should express their recognition of these expectations, such as: "teacher, i fully understand your expectations. if the child can listen carefully in class, it will not only benefit the whole class, but also be of great help to his own learning." in this way, you have successfully helped teachers express their inner needs and laid the foundation for further problem solving.

in fact, behind the teachers' anger, they hide their deep expectations for the class and the children.what parents need to do when dealing with teachers' emotions is to understand and translate these expectations rather than confront them.if you can patiently listen to your teachers' emotions, accept their expectations, and then pass those expectations on to your children, you can create a healthier and more effective communication environment for your children, teachers, and yourself.

likewise, when children come home and express complaints about their teachers, parents should do the same thing:first, listen patiently to the child’s grievances. after the child has finished speaking, ask him: "actually, what does the teacher expect you to do in class?" this can help the child re-understand the teacher's expectations and reduce resistance to the teacher.in this way, parents become a bridge between teachers and children, helping them better understand each other's needs and expectations.

the child said that he just wants us to listen carefully. i asked him: "he wants you to listen carefully in class. what will happen if you listen carefully?" he said: "he hopes that all of us in the class will listen carefully." i asked again: "if everyone listens carefully, will he explain more clearly?" the child replied: "yes, yes, yes." i continued: "then you also hope that you can understand more clearly in class, right?" the child said: "yes, i also hope to understand. but sometimes, i just go to get something and i don't know how i bump into the table when i get up." i said: "it's quite difficult, because the table is so narrow, when you bend down to pick up something, it's easy to bump into the table when you stand up. so how can this problem be solved?"

has this already been transformed from expectation to behavior? so, in fact, what we need to do with teachers is to build a closer relationship. a good relationship is very important. in the book, i also mentioned how to strive for more resources and let teachers pay more attention to our children. however, in this conflicting relationship, parents have to take more responsibility. children are not gods, but people. teachers are not gods, and parents are naturally not gods either. we are all ordinary people, and as parents, we do need some methods to deal with these problems.

sunny mom:what is the purpose of parents communicating with teachers? is it for harmony or confrontation? you must be for harmony, right? but some parents seem to want to be the teacher's teacher when communicating. you must understand that even if you are a doctor or even an academician, you still have to respect the professionalism of the other party in front of the teacher.

we cannot ignore the hard work of teachers who work from 7am to 7pm, or even in the middle of the night to correct homework. they may stand on the podium for more than ten years or even decades, and their dedication and seriousness to your children are something that none of us parents can compare to.first of all, we should respect the profession of teachers. no matter whether teachers are engaged in education out of love or regard it as a job, what is important is that they have invested a lot of energy in your children. secondly, our purpose is to cooperate with teachers, not to prove that we are better than teachers.

sometimes we encounter parents communicating with teachers when picking up their children, and i think to myself: you are so good, why don’t you take your children home and teach them yourself? i think the first point is that parents can easily lose their position. we need to cooperate with teachers, especially on children’s education issues. during the nine years of school education, parents, children and teachers must cooperate. first, we must clarify our position. second, parents must be good "translators" for teachers. you need to disassemble the content and expectations expressed by the teacher to understand what the teacher’s real needs are.

if the teacher doesn't like your child, he can just ignore it and not criticize it. therefore, all comments on children, whether positive or negative, are a kind of concern and the teacher's care for the child. therefore, we must correctly view and use these feedbacks. third, how to properly respond to the teacher's criticism, how to deal with the teacher's dissatisfaction with the child or your unmet expectations. these are all issues of managing expectations.

tian hongjie:in fact, the core of family education lies in: from "knowing" to "doing". how to do it? first of all, you need to understand the psychological mechanism of children and understand the essence of things - what is the difficulty of children? after understanding, the sentence i often emphasize is: "first, there is wisdom, then there is compassion". when you truly understand your child, you will treat him more gently and curiously, and thus better understand his difficulties.

so, first we need wisdom, then we can have compassion. we need to understand the psychological mechanism of children first, and master three methods according to each problem, combine these methods and have a deeper understanding. finally, i would like to read a poem for you, which is a poem by erickson:

life is not something you can answer today.

enjoy the waiting process, enjoy the process of being yourself,

there is nothing more joyful than planting flower seeds and not knowing what kind of flower will bloom.

as a child grows up, we need to nurture him like a gardener, watering him, fertilizing him, and doing what needs to be done at the right time. when he encounters difficulties, we also need to accompany him to solve the problems, and finally let him grow into his true self. this is a unique life journey.