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author | nanfang window reporter yongzhou

editor | wu qing

“i feel so wronged.”

a woman in her twilight years recalled her marriage life for most of her life and expressed this sentiment. the woman's name was zhang zanying, her age, hometown and family were unknown.

she is the wife of the famous botanical painter zeng xiaolian.

in the new episode of "13 invitations", xu zhiyuan interviewed zeng xiaolian and zhang zanying. unlike the great painter's extensive discussion of plant life philosophy and humanistic art in the interview, zhang zanying's talk was full of worldly grievances and resentment: after marrying zeng xiaolian, she had to give up her dreams and career for her husband's career. for decades, zhang zanying has taken care of everything for her husband, shouldered the responsibilities of the family, and sacrificed her life. if there is another life, she just wants to go her own way.

in an interview that was conducted in conjunction with her celebrity husband, zhang zanying finally had the opportunity to speak her mind. no well-known media person or writer would interview an unknown woman. the interview with zhang zanying, as well as another interview with xu zhuoyun’s wife manli in another episode of 13 invitations a few months ago, were both conducted in conjunction with the “master”. the interviewer had some assumptions about happiness, even if it meant a sacrifice.

zhang zanying said in "13 invitations" that he would "walk his own path" in his next life

behind many "masters", "famous people" and even great men in ancient and modern times, there is a silent wife. sonya, the wife of the great writer tolstoy, who silently devoted and endured her whole life, lamented in her diary: "life in the world is really difficult and painful. the long struggle, the intense handling of affairs at home and outside, educating children, publishing books, managing the property belonging to children, taking care of my husband, and maintaining the balance of the family, all these things make me exhausted."

they may enter into marriage for love, but are worn out by marriage over the long years. for various reasons, they cannot resolutely and recklessly turn around and leave as contemporary netizens expect. over time, the resentment in their hearts accumulates, turning these women into "resentful women" in the eyes of the world.

the women behind these "extraordinary" things are outside the focus of attention. the eyes people cast on them are the same as the way their husbands look at them, mostly with gratitude and emotion. however, these two emotions only acknowledge their functional value in marriage, rather than affirming their personal value itself.

the division of labor within marriage is increasingly being revealed in forms that contradict the traditional paradigm. in the past, people may have believed that the aura and glory brought by a man with great achievements in the secular sense is enough to illuminate his wife, children, and family, providing both material and spiritual protection.

but as more and more women begin to release and even construct their own language, we can understand that they are the fuel behind the extraordinary. when they look back on their marriages in their old age, they may have felt happy in their long lives, but they cannot deny their guilt.

if they had the chance to do it all over again, what matters is not whether they would choose marriage again. what is more worth thinking about is: why are they likely to regret it no matter which path they choose?

the person who received the dirty tissue

zeng xiaolian, born in weixin, yunnan in 1939, is a well-known chinese plant scientist and illustrator of flora of china. he has published more than 2,000 illustrations and is known as "the first chinese botanical painter."

in countless media interviews and celebrity comments about him, the most common expressions are praises such as "only doing one thing in his life", "being consistent", and "writing a biography for life".

behind the halo, there may be years of resilience, hardship and willpower, and there may also be a silent woman.

in 2021, people magazine interviewed this famous painter. the last part of the article mentioned zeng xiaolian's wife zhang zanying: during the cultural revolution, zhang zanying went to yunnan to work as a sent-down youth, and met zeng xiaolian at the yunnan institute of botany of the chinese academy of sciences. in the mid-to-late 1970s, zhang zanying got an opportunity to study at beijing forestry university. however, after four years of study, due to family reasons, she finally gritted her teeth and decided to return to kunming to her husband and children.

zeng xiaolian and zhang zanying/photo source: yitiao

the identities of wife and mother pulled her back, tearing off part of herself and returning the remaining part to the family.

in the following decades, in order to support her husband zeng xiaolian's work at the institute of botany, zhang zanying almost completely gave up her career and ambitions. she took on all the housework and care work, and handled all the crises and trivial matters in life alone.

in his later years, zeng xiaolian certainly realized the dedication and sacrifice his wife had made for him throughout her life. he felt that he was "really lucky" and would verbally say to his wife "i rely on you."

in a collection of female reports published by people in 2022, the reporter recalled more details of the interview:

"zeng xiaolian's wife zhang zanying has always taken care of zeng xiaolian with a very caring and patient attitude: reminding him to go downstairs for meals three times a day, peeling oranges, pouring water, making coffee for him, and conveying every email and every message from the outside world. zeng xiaolian has long been accustomed to this all-round care. when he walks out of the cafeteria, he will hand the tissues he forgot to throw away to his wife. ... until the finalization of the manuscript, a scene suddenly appeared in my mind: when we walked out of the cafeteria together, teacher zeng handed the used tissue to teacher zhang. teacher zhang hesitated for a second, but still took the ball of paper."

zhang zanying's hesitation in taking the dirty tissue from her husband is the core emotional driving force that has kept her married for so many years. there may be tolerance and trust brought by familiarity, dependence and compassion from long-term life, compassion, but also helplessness and sighs. however, for many years, they subconsciously hid this helplessness.

for those who have made great achievements in their careers, their inability to take care of themselves is even glorified as a kind of happiness by the mainstream narrative. apart from the tenderness in their relationships and a little bit of the marriage contract, "zeng xiaolian" may even look down on or even despise their wives who are not as successful as them in the secular world.

zhang zanying talked about her daily life with her husband

"unwilling" is a word that zhang zanying expressed in the interview three years ago and today. she cannot deny the decades-long love between the couple, but she also cannot deny that as a woman who once had dreams, zhang zanying herself has gradually faded and faded in this marriage that outsiders envy.

when the self emerged and life reached old age, when asked, "what is the happiest thing about being with zeng xiaolian?", zhang zanying calmly said, "there is no happy thing."

zeng xiaolian devoted his life to plants and painting. perhaps he had no extra energy to devote to his wife, or perhaps family and marriage were originally meant to support and care for him.

"life with him is very difficult. in his world, there is only him and no one else." zhang zanying's inner resentment and unwillingness lies in the fact that her husband devotes himself wholeheartedly to his career and has no extra emotion and energy to devote to the family.

all the chores in the family were taken care of by his wife. even when zeng xiaolian was diagnosed with a tumor in his lung, it was zhang zanying who went around looking for medical treatment for him. when zhang zanying was young, she was kicked in the stomach, but zeng xiaolian did not help her, but advised her to be kind to others.

zhang zhanying said she couldn't accept her husband asking her to improve her relationship with the person who kicked her in the stomach

such a person, everything around him will be drawn into the vortex of serving his cause. we cannot simply blame them from the perspective of moral sentiment, because the world does need such people. but we cannot deny that an outstanding botanist may hardly be called a good husband and a good father.

because of love, understanding and tolerance, or perhaps because of appreciation and a sense of responsibility for a grand narrative, they choose to endure and are willing to pay.

but in the end, all they received was thanks, or even just superficial verbal thanks.

rebel

can they choose to leave?

here, "leaving" includes at least two connotations and extensions: physically leaving the marriage and finding oneself again.

"i will be just his wife at first, but if i want to be myself, i have to keep working hard."

the historical novel "i can't just look up at you" was published in 2018. its original english title is "love and ruin". the protagonist is an american woman named martha gellhorn, who was the first female war correspondent and novelist in the 20th century. the journalism community named the "gellhorn journalism award" after her, and her portrait has appeared on american stamps.

but martha was also the third wife of the great writer hemingway and the prototype of the protagonist of "for whom the bell tolls".

after falling in love with and marrying hemingway, martha was deprived of her personal time, her writing talent was overshadowed by hemingway, and even critics saw traces of hemingway in her writing.

hemingway and martha

independent martha didn't want to be an unknown housewife behind a great writer. so she left. she returned to her battlefield. hemingway roared at her in a telegram: "are you a war correspondent or my wife in bed?"

but the martha who shuttled through the hail of bullets and reported was the real martha.

love has happened, but people with a strong and distinct self-subjectivity will realize that love should not be based on self-grinding.

it is worth mentioning that paula maclean, the author of i can't just look up at you, is also one of hemingway's girlfriends. in 2013, maclean published a novel, i was hemingway's parisian wife, based on her love story with hemingway.

in a 2018 interview, author mclean mentioned martha when she was with hemingway and expressed a delicate analysis of the latter: "for her, it was a constant war. he (hemingway) was so overwhelmingly powerful that she needed to constantly strive to get rid of his influence. but she loved him, and when he stopped writing, she would fall into deep worry."

while writing martha's story, maclean saw a reflection of himself. "i saw my own struggles, and if i favored work and career, then my family life sometimes felt like a mess."

martha

can a happy family and career coexist? for women of different classes and circumstances, leaving requires a certain threshold, and they may not necessarily gain true freedom from this behavior.

a hundred years ago, lu xun quoted the story of "nora's departure" in a doll's house by norwegian playwright ibsen, expressing his questioning and worries about women leaving their families. the worries were cold and deep. after nora left her husband's home, she had no choice but to return to her "mother's home" - in fact, her "father's" home, to another male-dominated family due to the lack of economic independence.

however, at that time, the may fourth movement was in full swing in china, and a group of new cultural intellectuals called for breaking the shackles of traditional families. therefore, "nora" was not simple in the social context of the time - at least not entirely concerned with the fate of women themselves, but also served the thoughts and fantasies of the times.

in 1879, a doll's house was first performed in norway. on stage, before the heroine nora ran away, she said to her husband: "i am a rational person, just like you."

in the domestic film "determination to run away" released in september 2024, yongmei plays a married woman who decides to run away. facing her daughter's dissuasion, the mother also said a similar line: "i am the same as you. i also want to have my own life."

"determination to run away" is adapted from a real news event that occurred in 2020. su min, a 50-year-old woman from henan, could not bear her husband's long-term domestic violence, so she drove away from home in the car she bought with a loan and started a self-driving tour with no end.

su min on a self-driving tour

in the public context, su min has become the contemporary "nora". although the former's departure was based on a certain economic foundation, her departure was more like a comfort to herself than a rebellion.

after leaving, what awaited her was not freedom. in order to divorce her husband, su min negotiated and confronted him countless times. her husband asked for 500,000 yuan in divorce fees. it was not until july 2024 that su min successfully divorced by giving the man 160,000 yuan.

from a hundred years ago to today, "women running away" has become a cool thing. whether leaving their original families, or leaving their husbands and children, running away from home is seen as a symbol of courage and a certain sense of free will. however, people only need to see their "leaving" actions, the long-lasting process, and the real difficulties they will face afterwards, which are often hidden behind mainstream discussions because they are difficult to summarize and replicate.

the situation of "zhang zanying" is slightly different. those women who have been silently working behind the achievers for decades are not the kind of women at the bottom of society who are absolutely disadvantaged in terms of economy and discourse. the former's marriage to a man, whether it is out of love or not, is ultimately a free choice.

screenshot of "determination to run away"

if you feel unhappy in a marriage that has lasted for decades, why not leave?

we must admit that even in an era of free love and market economy, most people who enter into marriage, choose to become couples and parents, do not necessarily truly understand what love is. under the arrangement of the social clock and human emotional inertia, they are just playing a social or family role.

su min, the contemporary "nara", only had the courage to look at herself after she had fulfilled her duties as a wife and mother to the best of her ability and after she saw her grandson start school. they yearn for freedom, but they also can't let go of their family concerns. this cannot be completely attributed to moral emotions, but more likely, it is just a matter of inertia.

the misunderstanding is that many people - not just women - mistakenly believe that as long as they do their best to fulfill their current life roles, they can achieve true happiness.

the reason why she became her

if they had not entered into marriage, had not become wives and mothers, would they have achieved anything?

should all this be attributed to marriage itself?

the botanist's wife does not blame love. in the interview, the questioner xu zhiyuan tried twice to lead zhang zanying to talk about the happiness and joy of being married to zeng xiaolian for decades, but zhang zanying cried: "i am trapped in this place for my whole life. i want to go out for a walk, but i can't. my time and energy are all spent on him. i feel very depressed in my life. he is like this, so i can only support him. but by supporting him, i have achieved nothing. i really feel so wronged."

after entering into marriage with a man, women automatically accept the transformation of themselves under this contract. in her new book, “what makes her” published in 2023, yale university professor and writer manon garcia mentioned that in “certain economic, social and political situations”, women are more likely to choose to obey.

the obedience here refers to a kind of inertia that subconsciously conforms to the characteristics of a certain stage of identity, such as giving up further education for love, giving up promotion opportunities for the sake of family. if they do not follow that inertia to become a wife or mother, they will feel guilty.

in certain situations, if you don't give up some opportunities and the future according to inertia, you will easily feel guilty as a wife and mother. / stills from "kim ji-young, born 1982"

what we are concerned about is what "consequences" they will face if they don't do this?

lost love, perhaps. more precisely, lost the love they thought they had.

in july this year, andrea, the daughter of nobel prize winner alice munro, revealed the secret that she was sexually assaulted by her stepfather when she was a child. when her daughter finally plucked up the courage to tell her mother about the harm she had suffered, munro chose to avoid and remain silent because she could not leave her current husband.

a woman with great literary achievements is also afraid of destroying a love that she thinks she has, and a marriage built on this love. this seemingly extremely immoral emotional orientation is not necessarily a sign of cowardice, but most likely just a kind of inertia.

women's desire for love and pursuit seems to be innate. beauvoir talked about women's desire for love in the second sex: "when a woman falls in love, she must forget her own personality. this is the law of nature. a woman cannot survive without a master. without a master, she is just a bunch of scattered flowers."

according to psychoanalysis, love, and the secular marriage that is often tied to it, can give women an illusion: she can be protected through these things, return to her familiar family in her childhood, and not feel abandoned. in this world, if they do not rely on unique love, it is difficult for them to believe, and in fact it is difficult to achieve the authority and control of their own lives in spirit and material by themselves.

some secular marriages sometimes give women some illusions/stills from "determination to run away"

the socioeconomic characteristics of traditional marriage have led people to believe that society’s definition and expectations of a good wife and a good mother are different from those of a good husband and a good father. a good husband is best to have a successful career, or at least a solid financial situation. to be a good wife and a good mother, it is best to be good at obedience and compromise, and it is best not to have a successful career.

therefore, some girls are taught from childhood that they do not need to establish a clear and strong "self" because it is not conducive to their future personal happiness. if they are instilled with the idea that they are "destined to belong to a man" in the future, they are likely to fall into a self-contradictory dilemma: if they want to find a strong husband who can protect them for the rest of their lives, they cannot enjoy the same love from him.

when they enter into marriage with high expectations, they realize belatedly that trivial housework and childcare cannot bring them a real sense of accomplishment. if their husbands happen to be extraordinary people who are highly expected by the outside world, sacrifice becomes more reasonable - to sew up their mouths and become silent helpers for the greater wealth and treasures of mankind.

british scholar and biographer elmer maude's evaluation of tolstoy's wife sonya in "tolstoy biography" applies to many women mentioned above: "poor woman! she has done her best to fulfill her duties for many years. if she had married an ordinary, mediocre husband, she might have been a model wife and mother. so if she collapsed when she was tested beyond her ability, let us not judge her too harshly."

romance will fade like the tide, and the love that is beautified by it actually often reflects the desires, ambitions and aggression deep in everyone's soul. the "perfect love" that people hear about is either that one party pays or sacrifices more, or that both parties have equal efforts in maintaining a relationship.

screenshot of "determination to run away"

xu huiqi, an associate professor of history at national chengchi university in taiwan, proposed a possible solution in her book "nora in china": "it is not enough for women to leave, but men must also return home."

the so-called "men go home" means optimizing the concept of gender division of labor through public policies, laws and education, and untying physiological value from social value as much as possible. for example, the value of housework can be recognized and even quantified by society, and the heavy task of raising children does not have to rely on the sacrifice of one of the spouses, but can also be entrusted to public facilities.

the argument that "even if they don't get married, they won't achieve anything" presupposes that a person's value and happiness must come from personal achievements in the secular sense.

they may not necessarily be high achievers, but may just want to be less dependent on someone else. they may just want a life that is complete, peaceful, and in control of themselves, or a life in which they are fully aware and conscious.

but this should not sacrifice a person's right to choose love and marriage. what zhang zanying and sonya want, even if it is not personal career achievements, is a heart that can respond to them in love, a look that looks at her with heart, rather than verbal thanks.

the pictures in this article are from the internet