news

한어Русский языкEnglishFrançaisIndonesianSanskrit日本語DeutschPortuguêsΕλληνικάespañolItalianoSuomalainenLatina

a one-and-a-half-year-old child was "educated" by a stranger instead of his parents. is society's tolerance for children getting lower and lower? some people commented that we are increasingly intolerant of children who act like children, and we use the same standards for adults to demand children - to be emotionally stable, quiet and restrained.

parents are also afraid to take their children out: if the child cries incessantly, they will likely be regarded as a "naughty child", and the parents will also face public pressure for "why they did not take good care of their children".

author | xie wuji

editor｜peach jam

title image | unsplash

the incident in which two female passengers on a juneyao airlines flight took someone else's baby and locked her in the toilet to "set rules" has attracted much attention in recent days and has been on several hot searches.

from the two passengers who took the one-and-a-half-year-old child away for so-called "education", recorded a video and posted it online, and said they had "no guilt", to the airline customer service who once said "a stranger taking a child away is a personal act", to the grandmother of the child who agreed to hand the child over to others for education in the airline's notice, and the mother of the child who later "expressed understanding", it was the joint efforts of this "community" that led to the incident. some comments said that the whole thing was "too magical".

some people pointed out that it was absurd for parents who didn't know how to educate their children to give way to passers-by and let passers-by teach them savagely; but some people sympathized with the parents' difficulties - just like the two passengers who felt that they had a "clear conscience". in the public space of the cabin, a child who keeps crying and making a fuss is likely to be regarded as a "naughty child", and the parents will also face public pressure for "not taking good care of their children".

in public spaces, the voices of young children are not heard, and the voices of parents are also quite low. some time ago, writer su xiaolan complained to 12306 that she was reminded twice to "keep her children under control" when she took a high-speed train, and called on the public to be more tolerant of families with infants and young children. this incident has sparked a lot of discussion, and many people think that it is normal to be disgusted with children on high-speed trains, and parents do not need to be so sensitive and pretentious.

the experience of writer su xiaolan has sparked heated discussions. (photo/weibo @苏小懒)

as a parent who has traveled with children several times, i understand parents' anxiety very well. "not daring to take children out" has become a secret "common sense" for quite a number of parents. people often ask me: can you really take your children out on a plane or a high-speed train?

traveling with baby,

what kind of experience is it?

personally, i started to feel uncomfortable in urban public spaces after i gave birth. more than a year after my child was born, taking him out is still a problem that bothers me. many urban spaces seem to have become a physical force that i need to fight against and then have to compromise with.

as my child grew older and could no longer be carried in a baby carrier, i had to ride in a stroller. i found that my baby and i had less and less room to move around. not to mention the potholes and uneven sidewalks, the road posts at certain intersections also created obstacles. moreover, pushing a stroller on public transportation was a difficult experience.

strollers are best to be lightweight and foldable, but they still take up space and attract attention on buses and subways. getting to the subway platform is also a challenge. there are still only a few subway stations with elevators at the entrance. most of the time, i can only choose to take the escalator or walk up the stairs to half-carry and half-drag the stroller and baby down the platform. every time i push a stroller in and out of the subway, it feels like driving a heavy boat and taking risks among the rushing crowd.

for parents who travel with strollers, the functional designs of some cities are not friendly. (photo/unsplash)

this feeling often varies from city to city. for example, in hong kong, china, there are overpasses and stairs everywhere, and it is a disaster to take a baby out with a stroller. in addition, land in hong kong is very expensive, and even walking on the sidewalk is afraid of being in the way. in shenzhen, this discomfort will be much alleviated. you will see many parents pushing strollers and taking young children out. moreover, compared with hong kong, shenzhen's commercial spaces are equipped with more mother-and-child rooms, which are also cleaner.

i was curious whether hong kong parents always rely on private cars and taxis to take their children out. later, i saw filipino maids playing with children at the beach, far from the city. hong kong seems to have a clear distinction between urban areas and suburbs - the former is a place for commuting and consumption, while the latter is a parent-child space.

this dilemma of traveling with children also exists in big cities like new york. a few years ago, the british newspaper the guardian reported that a young mother pushed her daughter in a stroller and tripped and died on the stairs of a new york subway station. although it was later confirmed that the mother and daughter did not die from the fall, many new york parents said that carrying a stroller up and down the subway stairs is also a nightmare for them, and usually requires help from others.

there are many subway stations abroad with many steps and winding paths that are difficult to navigate. (photo/twitter)

of course, the biggest challenge of traveling with a baby is to prevent the baby from crying and disturbing others when taking relatively closed public transportation, especially on airplanes and high-speed trains. so far, i have taken my baby on two flights and two high-speed trains. my method is to prepare snacks and toys. but for a one-year-old baby, it is impossible to stay patient in such a small space. at this time, i will watch cartoons for her, talk to her, and sing songs to distract her attention.

the service on the flights i took with my baby was pretty good: if there were vacant seats, we would be given priority to be assigned more spacious seats. before takeoff, the flight attendants would provide stickers and small pillows for children; when young children cried, they would provide assistance and work with parents to find ways to ease the children's emotions. some parents posted online to give advice, saying that when boarding, you can distribute small notes with "hope for your tolerance" and earplugs to passengers around you.

traveling with a baby on an airplane is a big challenge. (photo/unsplash)

when you are on a high-speed train, you may get more strange looks. i was once reminded by the passenger in the front seat that i was affected. i can only try my best to comfort the baby and make her noises and movements quieter.

every time i travel with my baby, it feels like a long experience for me. sometimes i regret why i go through so much trouble. after having a baby, my range of activities has been reduced day by day. the functional design of the city and the atmosphere of public places seem to remind me that i should stay at home with my baby and go out less. but at the same time, i am also puzzled: isn’t traveling with a baby a natural right? this should be part of the "convenience" of urban life. why do i feel so guilty and always feel excluded?

why is the sound of a baby’s crying so unbearable?

the incident of training a child in an airplane toilet reflects that the current public environment is becoming less tolerant of children. "child-hating" is not just a literal meaning, it reflects a symptom of the times - in an environment where urban space and social resources are relatively tight and competition is fierce, people tend to develop a physiological mechanism to resist emotions for groups that do not bear behavioral responsibilities. we are afraid of losing control of our lives, especially in public places, adults need to learn to control their emotions; we are also afraid of exposing vulnerable emotions, and emotional stability and maintaining a sense of order have become the default public order and morality.

the label of "naughty kids" hides our disgust for children who cannot follow the rules and affect public order, and also holds parents accountable for letting their children do what they want and ignoring their responsibilities to discipline them. thepaper.cn once conducted a survey on the topic of the aversion caused by taking children on high-speed trains. the results showed that singles, married people, and married people with children have different tolerance for crying children, but there is a big gap between those who have children or not. relatively speaking, people with children have a higher tolerance.

the survey results attached to the article "why is there no solution to the problem of taking children on high-speed trains?" (photo/the paper)

our understanding of young children is biased because we view them as another form and stage of life. child psychologist yan yijia pointed out on weibo that the emotional self-regulation function is also different in children of different ages - on average, it takes 5-8 years for the human brain to develop the ability to perceive the surroundings and restrain itself.

the child who was reprimanded in the airplane toilet was only one and a half years old. such a young child can only express his discomfort by crying. can we truly respect the right of infants and young children to cry? in germany, which has extremely strict noise control, according to the federal emission control act, the noise made by infants and young children is harmless to the environment and is not considered noise in the legal sense, but natural sound, so it is not subject to any noise management regulations.

there have also been cases in germany where complaints were made about noisy children, but the law enforcers mostly sided with the children and their parents. there are even such golden sentences as “children cannot be tied up like puppies” and “you can’t expect to have a button that you can press to make a child quiet”... this should be common sense, but under the influence of “child-hating” emotions, the rights and needs of young children are ignored, and the right of adults to be undisturbed has become a more powerful form of discipline.

the heaviness of motherhood lies in the fact that the burden of raising children has always been borne by mothers, and the care of children has been increasingly limited to the private sphere. in a consumer society where everyone is middle class, children are more like projections of social resource competition. we seem to have forgotten that childhood is a necessary stage in life, and we wish that children could just blow their breath and skip childhood and grow up directly; we have also forgotten that children are part of society. they are also the most easily forgotten citizens.

the disappearance of childhood

neil postman, translated by wu yanting

citic publishing group, 2015-5

child-friendly city,

how far are we from here?

in recent years, the concept of "child-friendly city" has gained popularity. many people may think that building a child-friendly city means building more children's playgrounds and making some distinctions in the design of public spaces, such as adding mother-and-child rooms, or adding "quiet carriages" and "family carriages" to the public transportation system.

however, this is not truly "child-friendly", just as the design of "women's carriages" and "women's parking lots" has failed to intervene in and improve women's safety issues. the most extreme way to divide social groups by region is the "no kids zone" established in south korea in recent years. in fact, this will only exacerbate the sense of division among social groups. a truly healthy and diverse social relationship should be interactive.

in south korea, many restaurants and cafes have signs saying "no kids zone" at their doors. (photo/twitter)

in a consumer society, parent-child play spaces are becoming commercialized, and “pay to play” has become the norm. however, many cities’ “child-friendly” initiatives are becoming more formalistic, such as designating a “green space” and building some colorful sculptures and play slides. in fact, these facilities do not take into account the real experience, feelings, and needs of children.

the core of a truly child-friendly city lies in open tolerance, rather than transformation and intervention. in the documentary "childhood in a foreign land 2", there are two examples of countries that are deeply touching. one is france. the french are relaxed about raising children, which may have a lot to do with their respect and cherishment of childhood. they will encourage children to express their emotions, and even young children who are just learning to speak can receive psychological counseling and guidance under the care of their parents. france also offers philosophy classes to teach children to ask questions and think independently, and to help them understand the boundaries of rules and freedom as much as possible.

another example is new zealand. here, "playing" is a particularly important thing, a right that far exceeds academic studies. in school, children play wildly during breaks - educators believe that playing is the best way to release emotions and reduce psychological problems. in the community outside the family, the "playcentre" supported by the government and co-created by parents provides a play environment for children. participants are subject to regular review, neighbors help each other, and all work is free of charge.

in new zealand, playing is the most important thing. (photo/childhood in a foreign land 2)

zhou yiju, director of "a childhood in a foreign land", said that childhood is precious to the french because it is not only a stage in life, but also allows them to gain a broader life experience.

we respect children in order to preserve the most precious part of human nature and the experience and feelings of "when the world was still young."