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In September 1935, Chen Hengzhe, a famous female intellectual in modern times, published her early autobiography in the United States. In this biographical text describing her life experiences before studying in the United States, Chen described in detail the life of the traditional scholar family where she was born and raised. Chen said that one of the important reasons for her writing was to oppose the glorification of traditional Chinese culture and family that was popular at that time (Chen Hengzhe: "Chen Hengzhe's Early Autobiography", translated by Feng Jin, Hefei: Anhui Education Press, 2006, "Preface", page 2), and she criticized the traditional Chinese marriage and family in a special chapter in the book. But as the Chinese translator of the book later pointed out, Chen Hengzhe, who lived in the era of integration of Chinese and Western cultures, actually had an ambiguous attitude towards traditional culture. Although she claimed to criticize the large family and arranged marriage system, the arranged marriages of her parents and sister in her writing were actually very harmonious and happy (Chen Hengzhe: "Chen Hengzhe's Early Autobiography", translated by Feng Jin, Hefei: Anhui Education Press, 2006, "Translator's Preface", page 18).

Chen Hengzhe's contradiction in cognition and writing reflects, to some extent, the discrepancy between the cognition of traditional arranged marriages by modern intellectuals and the historical reality. When people today mention arranged marriages, most of them think that parents completely disregard their children's wishes and happiness and arrange marriages, and the men and women involved in the marriages fall into endless darkness and misfortune. This kind of discourse can be traced back to the discourse during the May Fourth New Culture Movement. The historical criticism at that time was fiercely anti-traditional and severely refuted the traditional marriage and family structure. Through the opposition between the old and the new, it provided a basis for the construction of a new Westernized small family. As contemporary scholars have pointed out, modern discourse has a tendency to negatively and stigmatize traditional marriage and family (Luo Zhitian: "China's Modern Times: The Historical Turn of a Great Power", Beijing: Commercial Press, 2019, p. 118). The criticism of traditional marriage and family is placed in the context of national politics and national strength. At that time, some commentators matched the three forms of marriage system: "autocratic marriage (completely decided by parents)", "consensual marriage (proposed by parents and consent of children)" and "free marriage (no third party is allowed to interfere except the person himself)" with the political systems of absolute monarchy, constitutional monarchy and democratic republic, and proposed that "supporting marriage by consent means overthrowing democracy and the Republic of China" and "to support democracy and the Republic of China is to overthrow marriage by consent and support free marriage" (Lu Qiuxin: "Freedom of Marriage and Democracy", "New Woman" Vol. 2, No. 6, 1921). There are also views that young people bound by traditional arranged marriages will be detrimental to the development of the country and society: "There are countless people who swallow their anger, and the ambition of young people is completely worn out. There is no room for development of their upward ability. If one person is like this, ten people are like this, and thousands of people are like this, the society will definitely be lifeless. How can the country be self-reliant?" (Sun Benwen: "College Student Marriage Survey Report", selected by the National Library: "College Social Survey Data Collection in the Republic of China" (Volume 17), Beijing: National Library Press, 2013, page 601)

The painting "Prosperous Suzhou" by Xu Yang during the Qianlong period of the Qing Dynasty depicts the process of the bride and groom bowing in the hall.

In the view of Lu Weijing, a professor of history at the University of California, San Diego and a famous Chinese-American scholar, "The central problem with this understanding of arranged marriage is that it elevates the premise of modern Western culture to a universal truth. When arranged marriage is examined and discussed through the lens of backwardness and oppression and the exclusive traditional/modern framework, all the rich, complex and changing marriage practices in the long history of China are simplified into a single assertion of patriarchal oppression. Arranged marriage has become an evil, rigid, monolithic, and timeless system that hinders any possibility of emotion and love in the relationship between husband and wife" (LU Weijing, Arranged Companions: Marriage and Intimacy in Qing China, Seattle: University of Washington Press, 2021, p.4). In other words, many of the common perceptions of arranged marriages at the time were more of a product of political discourse in the context of modern China's struggle for national salvation.

Looking back at history, there is no shortage of romantic love stories and stories of affection between couples in Chinese civilization. If we limit our perspective to Confucian classics and didactic texts whose main purpose is moral education, we may only see that couples are required to respect each other and follow each other in accordance with etiquette. The couples are manipulated and even sacrificed by the extended family and Confucian etiquette like puppets. But once we broaden our horizons and comprehensively examine the rich descriptions of marriage relationships in literature, art, and history, we will see a richer picture of marriage relationships. To a certain extent, no matter what form of marriage, it is not necessarily linked to happiness and love. Even traditional arranged marriages also leave a place for love, which also gives us a more multi-dimensional perspective on traditional marriages.

"Although it is condemned in modern times as an inhumane system that deprives young men and women of marital happiness, arranged marriage in Qing China was in fact neither rigid nor unchanging. It was composed of a complex set of ideas and practices, in which emotions were the most important, and even intimate romantic love had its place" (LU Weijing, p.189). This is what scholar Lu Weijing attempted to discuss and present in her book Arranged Companions: Marriage and Intimacy in Qing China (Seattle: University of Washington Press, 2021). The book uses the well-known marriage story of Shen Fu and Yunniang as an introduction, focusing on the marriage life of Qing literati from the late 17th century to the first half of the 19th century. Through the combing and examination of rich private narrative texts, it presents the dynamic process of how the marriage concepts and practices of the Jiangnan Han literati class and the intimacy of couples were shaped and constructed by China's own cultural history and the socioeconomic conditions of the Qing Dynasty.

In Lu's view, the marriage life and husband-wife relationship of Qing Dynasty literati not only have "companion love" of "calmer and more comfortable emotional attachment cultivated over a long period of time", but also "romantic love" of "passionate and strong feelings of falling in love" (LU Weijing, p.6). Specifically, "the Qing Dynasty represents a special historical moment, when the long-cherished cultural concept of husband-wife companionship matured" (LU Weijing, Arranged Companions: Marriage and Intimacy in Qing China, Seattle: University of Washington Press, 2021, p.4). In the unique context of the Qing Dynasty, the "worship of love" since the late Ming Dynasty was solidified into the family under the more orthodox rule of the Qing Dynasty, and the prosperity of the Qing Dynasty and the development of publishing culture promoted the development of women's education, allowing couples to have more space for interaction outside of traditional family affairs, and thus continuously deepened their companionship. The wife gradually became a confidant and partner of the husband, and emotions also carried a much greater meaning in marriage than ever before. In other words, “marriage was not just about fulfilling procreation and other patriarchal family responsibilities; it was also about a deep, personal companionship. This new understanding did not shake the most basic ethical principles that regulated marriage, but it did to some extent tear open the cracks in the rigid hierarchy of husband and wife. It changed how marital relations were understood and practiced, and this distinguished the Qing Dynasty from previous eras” (LU Weijing, p.191).

Considering that the understanding and practice of marriage and husband-wife relationships among Qing Dynasty scholars were deeply rooted in the context of traditional Chinese culture, Lu analyzed the concept of marriage and husband-wife relationships in Chinese Confucian culture in the first chapter, pointing out that there are always two contradictory but complementary cognitive traditions: one is the official etiquette tradition inherited from Confucian classics such as "Book of Rites", which emphasizes the distinction between husband and wife, the gender hierarchy order within marriage, and the gender roles and responsibilities in society and family, and opposes excessive intimacy between husband and wife; the other is the emotional tradition based on "Book of Songs", which regards marriage as a carrier of the companionship between husband and wife in terms of morality, intellectual emotion, sexual intimacy, etc., and highly praises its value and significance. This kind of companion image and companion writing widely seen in literary and artistic works and historical biography became an important ideological resource for scholars to praise husband-wife relationships, communicate and express themselves in the Qing Dynasty. Although the official discourse of the Qing Dynasty still advocated the distinction between husband and wife and was filled with teachings and admonitions to restrain inappropriate intimacy between husband and wife, for many Jiangnan literati at that time, the perception of the relationship between husband and wife had changed greatly. Intimacy and personal emotions had distinct meanings in the marriage relationship, were widely praised and enthusiastically pursued, and were actually practiced in the intimate interaction between husband and wife.

The culture of mourning for the deceased wives presented by Lu in the second chapter of the book is one of the specific manifestations of the expression and praise of the emotions between husband and wife. The phenomena including the extension of the husband's mourning period, the socialization of mourning for the deceased wife, and the emergence of eulogies that are no longer limited to a single moral behavior but have richer details of the intimate interaction between husband and wife, all highlight the value and significance of the husband-wife partnership in the marriage of the Qing Dynasty literati. The perfect marriage that was popular in the Jiangnan region during the prosperous Qing Dynasty is a concentrated presentation of the companionship in the marriage of the Qing people. Husbands and wives with equal intelligence and talent interacted through poetry, art, and academics, and expressed their feelings for each other publicly or privately on festivals such as the Qixi Festival. Even the traditional marriage that was not a perfect marriage showed a greater emphasis on mutual understanding, dedication, and deep affection between husband and wife in the Qing Dynasty. In such a marriage relationship, the husband and wife had more space for communication outside of family trivial matters, and the wife was no longer just a simple submissive person under the gender hierarchy, but became a "boudoir friend" who could have equal dialogue and admonishment with the husband to a certain extent. Some texts even go a step further and show the husband taking care of his wife, which to some extent subverts the traditional relationship imagination of husband and wife as the cared for/caregivers.

In the discussion of Chapter 3 and Chapter 6, Lu discusses how the literati couples in the Qing Dynasty constructed intimacy in the specific interaction of marriage practice, and how to deal with various internal and external problems in the long marriage journey. On the one hand, intermarriage and interaction between relatives and friends, marriage forms such as marriage by adoption and child bride of the literati class, gave men and women a certain space for communication before marriage. On the other hand, although arranged marriages did not have the process of courtship before marriage, the model of "marriage first, love later" could also brew romantic love. The talents of educated women in poetry and art can help the two sides quickly break the ice and increase their interest in each other. Whether it is a private boudoir or a public companion or travel, it provides space for the emotional joy of the couple and the warming of the companionship. The common experience of the husband and his wife in dealing with the difficulties of daily life before the success of the imperial examination also became an important factor in their emotional bond. In addition, the development of sexual culture brought about by the commercial culture of the Ming and Qing Dynasties also provided more possibilities for sexual intimacy between literati couples. When faced with situations such as decreased sexual attraction due to aging, long-term separation of spouses, the busyness of raising children and various family affairs, and the death of one spouse, the experience of coping together has also, to a certain extent, given rise to sympathy, understanding, and mutual attachment, strengthening the relationship between partners. At the same time, the wife's long-term efforts in managing household affairs not only strengthen the feelings between the two, but also make it a moral imperative for the husband not to abandon his wife who has lived with him through thick and thin. When faced with long-distance separation, poetry and letters become important carriers to maintain the emotional world of the couple. As the children grow up, the couple can gradually unload their responsibilities and start to enjoy retirement life. Living in seclusion with the wife has become a new meaning given by Qing Dynasty literati to the traditional Confucian culture of retreat, which also proves the importance of their feelings in life. When one spouse dies first, the grand funeral is not only an expression of the widow's emotions, but also a symbol of eternal love for each other in the afterlife through joint burial.

The relationship between husband and wife was given unprecedented importance in the marriage relationship of the literati in the Qing Dynasty, which also made the various relationships in the marriage and family more and more complicated. In the fourth chapter, Lu discussed the relationship between the wife and the mother-in-law, the aunt and the sister-in-law, the uncle and the sister-in-law, and how to deal with the tension and conflict between husband and wife caused by intellectual mismatch, husband's oppression and temperament incompatibility. In Lu's writing, these situations did not form a single interaction mode, but presented a rich and diverse face of marriage life in the mutual tug of moral etiquette and personal emotions and the specific situation of the parties. At the same time, for the wife in question, poetry, art, religion and other factors also gave her a certain space to ease the tension and conflict caused by various relationship contradictions. In the fifth chapter, Lu analyzed the complex relationship between husband, wife and concubine in the marriage of the literati in the Qing Dynasty. The Qing Dynasty had a new understanding of taking concubines, and its legitimacy was no longer just for childbearing, but for personal pleasure and enjoyment. In this context, the husband's attitude towards concubines was also ambiguous and contradictory. On the one hand, due to the valuing of companionship, many loyal husbands who vowed not to remarry appeared; on the other hand, concubines also became the emotional sustenance of some men who pursued companionship. The relationship between wives and concubines became more diverse. There was not only competition, transgression and maintenance of hierarchical relationships, but also mutual interaction. The wife could achieve her own detachment by transferring part of the family responsibilities to the concubine. At that time, the criticism of jealous wives made most wives need to carefully maintain the balance of their relationship. At this time, the poetry and prose training received by the talented wives provided a good help.

In my opinion, the greatest value and significance of Lu's book lies in the fact that it breaks through the conventional wisdom of the May Fourth Movement and traditional Western feminist thought that simplifies the complex dynamics of Chinese marriage and family into a static, single model of patriarchal gender hierarchy and oppression. Instead, it places it in a specific historical context and the personal situation of the parties involved, presenting the diverse historical aspects of marriage and family in the Qing Dynasty with rich and vivid details, and to a certain extent corrects some of today's people's understanding of traditional arranged marriages.

In the study of Chinese women's history in the European and American academic circles since the 1990s, scholars such as Man Suen, Gao Yanyi, and Yi Peixia opposed the traditional Western feminist thought that mechanically divided women's liberation into liberation/oppression discourse, and the simplification of the traditional Chinese family and marriage as a single rigid carrier of gender oppression. This model seems to reveal the suffering of women under the gender hierarchy order of traditional Chinese patriarchy, but it regards women as victims to be saved, obliterating women's subjectivity, and at the same time fails to recognize the specific situation of women in different contexts and social life, and how they cope with social changes. On the contrary, it is difficult to play a practical role in dealing with the actual problems faced by women. Therefore, these scholars strive to explore historical materials and actively seek women's voices, proving that even under the traditional patriarchy, women are still an active force, actively opening up their own independent space, vividly expressing women's subjectivity, and presenting a more complex and diverse gender relationship in traditional Chinese marriage and family.

Lu Weijing studied under Man Suen, and her consistent academic propositions have inherited the logic of this school of scholars. In Lu's writings, arranged marriage is not a single rigid oppressive system, but presents dynamic changes according to specific historical, cultural and socio-economic contexts. Similar to the changes in the value of husband-wife emotions and companionship in marriage and family relationships in European and American societies since the 17th century, they also appeared in arranged marriages in Qing Dynasty China. The gender hierarchy order of traditional Confucian etiquette has loosened, and the position and significance of wives in marriage and family have fluctuated between moral requirements and emotional appeals. "Qing Dynasty authors have relatively unified views on the position of wives in the family in terms of moral voice, but they are pulled into different directions by other contexts and the environment in which each individual writer lives. Even the most determined defenders of patriarchal principles have moments of self-doubt about their pursuit of absolutism" (LU Weijing, p.116). This provides space for the expression and value of personal emotions in marriage relationships. At the same time, women were no longer just passive objects of moral discipline in marriage and family, but could, to a certain extent, express and communicate emotions through their own education and talents, and pursue a more equal relationship between husband and wife. The changes in marriage practice and intimate relationships in the Qing Dynasty further influenced the concept and practice of marriage and love in modern China, which "will encourage historians to think hard about the meaning of modernity and the role of tradition in creating the ideal of free love in the 20th century" (LU Weijing, p.192).

But as Lu admits in the book, the subject of the book is limited to the Han literati circle in the Qing Dynasty, and even more focused on the Jiangnan society where the culture of talented women prevails. It does not present much about the broader social class. This is undoubtedly the shortcoming of the book. We can certainly criticize the limitations of its discussion based on this. We can even list many unfortunate lives of Chinese people who have been bound by arranged marriages since the Qing Dynasty. For example, scholars such as Matthew H. Sommer and Zhao Liuyang presented the fate of women in the lower class life such as pawning and selling wives through litigation archives, which is regarded as property and objectification, which is far from the female subjectivity advocated by scholars such as Lu.

How to view this phenomenon of marriage that is so different and even contradictory? In my opinion, it is this contradiction, complexity and ambiguity that constitutes the complexity of history. Different regions, classes, socio-economic conditions, population composition and cultural backgrounds present different situations in marriage practice, which is also the norm in today's society. As Lu said in another article about the two different family images of Qing Dynasty daughters, "the apple of the eye" and "the money-loser", both views are part of a broader cultural narrative, representing the life experience of women in different contexts, in which class, socio-economic, regional and other factors are intertwined and play a role: "A large part of the scholars in the Qing Dynasty... came from the wealthy core area of ​​Jiangnan. Some of these people had high imperial examinations and were economically prosperous (although not all or at all times), and this economic security not only allowed them to escape the fate of selling their daughters to maintain their families, but also opened up a way for spiritual and intellectual communication between fathers and daughters. Generally speaking, this economic security enabled them to experience a different father-daughter relationship. In addition to socioeconomic factors, the limitations of historical materials will also exacerbate such differences: "Until the 20th century, people from the economically and socially disadvantaged groups found it difficult to speak out in historical writings because they left no written records. Only when they sold their children, drowned their babies, or got into legal disputes for the sake of their family's livelihood, would their stories be put in the spotlight and recorded" (Lu Weijing, The Pearl in the Palm: The Neglected Relationship between Father and Daughter in the Qing Dynasty, translated by Kan Weiyue, edited by Lu Weijing, Li Guotong, Wang Yan, and Wu Yulian, Appendix 1 of Traces of the Orchid Boudoir: A Study of Gendered Families in Ming and Qing Dynasties and Modern Times by Man Suen, Shanghai: Fudan University Press, 2021, pp. 376-377). Drawing on this line of thought, we can also say that marital behavior will largely show differences due to differences in socioeconomics, regional culture, class, historical materials, etc. Just as scholars such as Lu and Su Chengjie have presented in their research, the different marriage practices in the Qing Dynasty are ultimately inseparable from the specific historical context in which the parties involved are located.

Mr. Chen Yinke once reminded us that some studies "are more systematic and organized, but they are further away from the truth of the ancients' doctrines" (Chen Yinke: "Review Report on Feng Youlan's History of Chinese Philosophy", "Jinmingguan Collection II", Beijing: Sanlian Bookstore, 2001, p. 280). The implication is that researchers should be alert not to use simple, conceptual perspectives to copy the changing and fluid historical facts. Whether living today or in a certain time and space in history, we are actually in a cross-network formed by multiple orders, rather than just a single order. This is also true for marriage and family relations in the Qing Dynasty. At that time, marriage and family life not only adhered to traditional Confucian etiquette and gender hierarchy, but also showed more orthodoxy than previous generations. But at the same time, under the official discourse of the etiquette system, in the specific marriage practice of literati, there was also a pursuit of the value of husband-wife emotions. In this era when the demand for female chastity reached its peak, the pursuit of male loyalty also began to appear. Women in certain classes and regions have gained autonomy over their own emotions or sexual behaviors, while many women have also been objectified and commercialized under the patriarchal system. Various different and even contradictory historical phenomena coexisted in Qing Dynasty society. From this perspective, whether it is the writing of scholars such as Lu on the subjectivity of women and the love between literati couples in the Ming and Qing Dynasties, or the utilitarian description of the marriage practices of the lower classes by scholars such as Su Chengjie, they are essentially outside the Confucian ethics ideal marriage life constructed in official discourse, but their respective rationality is often given by specific situations, which is also the limitation of the time and space context that history cannot escape. Instead of arguing about which one is more in line with historical reality, it is better to carefully examine what kind of specific context has created different marriage ecologies.

Furthermore, although the two schools of scholars have their own emphasis, they did not simplify their views, but both noticed the diverse aspects of them. For example, scholars such as Su Chengjie revealed that the Qing Dynasty state tried to strengthen ideology and control women's marriage and sexual activities. On the other hand, they also noticed that women showed strong autonomy in their own marriage and sexual activities. Although Lu emphasized the cherishment and pursuit of the value of romantic love in the arranged marriages of the Han literati class in the Qing Dynasty, he did not avoid the unhappiness of marriage and gender differences in it. He discussed this issue in chapters 4 and 5 of the book. Although Lu emphasized that arranged marriages do not necessarily bring unhappiness to marriages, the examples of Wang Qisun and Cao Zhenxiu, Wang Tan and Jin Liying who chose their own spouses in their second marriages in the book also implicitly show that there is indeed a correlation between marriage autonomy and marital happiness. In other words, Lu's book should not be seen as a subversive work, but as a supplementary work. The revision of the understanding of arranged marriages is not a historical reversal, but a rethinking of the marriage relationship from a richer dimension. It should be noted that there are many factors that affect the emotions and intimacy of couples in marriage practice, and the happiness of marriage cannot be inferred based on the binary opposition of arranged or autonomous marriage. When we look beyond the simple causal relationship and re-examine the marriage relationship, including how to communicate and interact, handle the family relationships of both parties and multiple parties, resolve conflicts and differences, and cultivate intimacy, specific marriage behaviors all influence the final appearance of the marriage, and thus are also helpful for us to explore the true meaning of marriage and the pursuit of a happy marriage today. This may also be another value of Lu's book to readers.

Of course, there are some debatable aspects of Lu's book, the most debatable of which is the material used. The book uses a large number of narrative texts of male literati in the Qing Dynasty about their emotional relationship with their spouses to show the intimacy of the marriage of the literati at that time. However, there are many self-packaging, intoxication and imagination in the "one-sided narrative" of these male literati. For example, take Jiang Tan's "Autumn Lantern Notes" cited by the author. In this text, Jiang Tan recorded the deep affection and intimacy between himself and his wife Guan Ying, and emphasized his cherishment of the love between husband and wife. However, according to the research of scholar Li Huiqun, the emotional relationship between the two is quite complicated. Guan Ying is actually full of helplessness and melancholy in her married life. She is dissatisfied with her husband Jiang Tan's love and his disregard for the family's financial difficulties. Therefore, Jiang Tan’s so-called deep love between husband and wife was more of a product of his own imagination, and perhaps even he himself might not realize its unreality (Li Huiqun: "Boudoirs and Painted Boats: Emotional Discourse and Female Writings of Jiangnan Literati in the Qing Dynasty (1796-1850)", Shanghai: Shanghai People's Publishing House, 2022, Chapter 6, pp. 315-361).

In addition, the book points out that the changes in marriage concepts and practices in the Qing Dynasty did not have an impact on the patriarchal family structure like the European and American partner marriage, but it fails to fully discuss the different historical trends of the two and the motivations behind them. Furthermore, there are also deficiencies in the discussion of the generational and gender hierarchy in the marriage and family of Qing Dynasty literati, such as the positive and negative roles played by parents in arranged marriages, the different moral positions and coping strategies of men and women in the face of marital contradictions and tensions, and the impact of changes in the legitimacy of concubines on the friendship between husband and wife. These incomplete points are also worthy of further thinking and discussion on the marriage and family relations in the Qing Dynasty and even in traditional China.