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01

i never expected that university was not the beginning of letting go of myself, but the beginning of another round of control.

universities across the country have welcomed a batch of new students, and a chat record has become popular on the internet.

a parent of a freshman, when accompanying his child to apply for admission, specifically found the counselor's phone number from the dormitory information.

at nine o'clock in the evening, i added the counselor’s wechat.

start asking for all kinds of information:

what is my child's student number? which class are we in? are you the class teacher? does the school have internet?

……

the counselor was completely confused because it was the first time a parent added him on wechat.

and the content of the questions is all in the dormitory information.

after asking the child's name, he found out that the child had not yet joined the new student group as required.

instead of asking questions themselves, parents want to know every detail.

seeing that the parents were still not stopping, the counselor wrote a long article to persuade the parents earnestly:

the child is 18 years old, not in kindergarten.

he has to solve all the problems in school by himself.

parents cannot ask all the questions for their children throughout their lives.

don't protect them too well, it's time to let them go out on their own.

the parents agreed repeatedly, but i don’t know if she really listened.

i can understand that for many children going to college is the first time away from home, so parents will inevitably be anxious.

but i can understand the counselor better.

university is a transition to society.

now that you are an adult, you should learn to live independently.

but how many parents still can’t learn to let go?

not only are there inquiries, i just learned today that many parents of college students have requested to set up parent groups, or have already set one up online.

before receiving the notice, these parents were already chatting enthusiastically in the group about which campus and which class, how many boys and girls are in the class, how many people are in the dormitory, whether there is a bathroom, how many meat and vegetarian options are available in the cafeteria, and what is on and off the campus. they all want to know everything clearly.

after school starts, it becomes more like a kindergarten parent group.

what content is learned every day, how many points are scored in the exams, and what updates and activities there are, all must be synchronized in the parents’ group.

there are also some parents who are eager to know what their children do in school.

during the university’s military training, a parent asked the counselor to take photos of the training and send them to him.

when new students start school, parents ask teachers to take photos and videos of their dormitories and classes.

what’s even more exaggerated is that one counselor received a call from a parent at six in the morning, asking her to wake up their child.

there was also a parent who paid someone in the group to supervise his child and not allow him to wear makeup.

what’s even more outrageous is that some parents even take control of the service groups around the schools.

supermarket distribution group, commodity group purchase group, fresh milk distribution group...

although she is not with her child, she takes full care of her child's diet and daily life.

these scenes make people sigh.

from childhood to adulthood, groups of parents have always protected their children under the wings of their parents.

now that the children have grown up, their every move is still under the strict control of their parents in every detail.

because of this, more and more children, even when they grow up, still act like giant babies who have not grown up.

02

looking back, when we were in college, there seemed to be no surveillance at all, and at most our parents would send our children to school.

counselors, we only meet at important moments.

you have to rely on yourself for all your life and study.

the first lesson college teaches us is to be responsible for ourselves.

but now, it is obvious that universities are becoming more and more like high schools.

you need reminders in class, supervision in studying, care in life, and less and less independent time, and teachers and parents are always pushing you forward.

but children brought up in this way will never be independent.

there is a term in psychology called: "psychological weaning period".

parents intervene in their children's lives in every detail. they may think they are helping their children filter out dangers, but they don't realize that they are actually preventing their children from growing up normally.

if parents refuse to quit, the child's psychological weaning period will be extended indefinitely, and may even ruin a good child.

what will happen if the "umbilical cord" between parents and children is not cut in time?

i would like to talk about two cases.

the first one is named david. he has been a top student since he was young. he studied at tongji university in college and then got a master's degree from a prestigious university in canada. he is definitely a child of other people's family.

but after he returned to china, he refused to work until he was in his forties or fifties.

sleep during the day and play games at night.

his 82-year-old mother, who suffers from uremia, uses her monthly pension of 3,500 yuan to support her son, except for her own medical treatment.

she begged her son to go to work, but he refused.

no money?

then you go work and earn money to support me!

why did he become like this?

the aunt said something that exposed the truth: "he has everything ready-made. he is used to being dependent."

she has taken care of everything for her children since they were little.

she thought this was good for the child, and that the child would naturally know everything when he grew up.

the result was a giant baby.

even as an adult, i cannot live independently.

not only is he ungrateful, he also blames his parents, saying, "if you want to take care of me, why can't you take care of me for the rest of my life?"

the second one is yang yuanyuan.

in 2009, after she was admitted to graduate school, she hanged herself in the bathroom of her dormitory in a resolute and tragic way, and the "murderer" was her mother.

from childhood to adulthood, she has no private space and her mother is always by her side.

during the college entrance examination, she wanted to apply for dalian maritime university, but her mother forced her to apply for wuhan university, which was closer to home.

when she was a junior in college, her mother had her own home and insisted on living in her dormitory.

the mother and daughter slept on a 1.2-meter single bed for two years. even though other girls in the dormitory strongly resisted, her mother did not repent.

after graduation, she was still under suffocating control. she passed the exam to become a civil servant in the county, but her mother thought it was shameful for a top student to go to the county and did not allow her to go.

after working for 8 years, she forced her daughter to take the postgraduate entrance examination in shanghai.

there is no reason, because my mother likes shanghai.

step by step, she followed her mother's instructions.

later, she was admitted to shanghai maritime university and thought she was finally free. but when she started her graduate studies, her mother once again...

strongly request to move into her dormitory and monitor her closely.

the school continued to put pressure on her mother to leave, and her roommates fled from her one by one.

this eventually became the last straw that broke the camel's back, and she chose to commit suicide to escape her mother's control.

03

a psychologist in the united states divides parental education styles into four types: authoritative, authoritarian, indulgent, and neglectful.

compared with neglect and indulgence, the psychological trauma caused by authoritative and authoritarian parents to children is more difficult to heal.

authoritative and authoritarian parents usually use rejection and control to reject their children's needs and wishes.

use absolute parental authority to strictly control and require children to obey unconditionally.

in the final analysis, under the banner of doing good for the children, they are actually satisfying their own desire for control.

dou wentao once commented on this approach: i want you to be scared if you want to be scared, i want you to laugh if you want to laugh, and i think it’s good for your own good.

under such an educational model, several results will occur.

first: even when children grow up, it is difficult for them to truly separate from their parents.

psychologically, they are always overly dependent on or afraid of their parents, and are unable to face life and make decisions independently.

second: they will choose to escape in revenge.

completely get away from the constraints of the family, or fall into self-abandonment in order to "retaliate" against the parents.

third: suppress yourself and accept what comes your way.

even if they feel disgusted inside, they will have no choice but to cater to their parents' demands and suppress their true thoughts and feelings.

caught in intense internal friction.

either way, it is an extremely terrifying thing for the entire family and the child himself.

the reason i write this article today is not to ask parents to ignore everything, but to hope that parents can learn to strike a balance between "controlling and letting go".

on the one hand, listen to your children’s voices.

even if you disagree with your child's point of view, don't rush to deny it. instead, put yourself in his or her shoes and understand him or her.

the other side: when making demands on children, set reasonable goals based on their age and abilities.

you also need to be flexible. even if you can't complete a task, don't vent your emotions in a tense manner, but look for solutions.

in addition, more attention should be paid to the communication method.

communication is not a one-way output, but a two-way exchange.

have conversations on an equal and respectful basis, and avoid using a harsh tone or commanding language.

more importantly, as children grow up, parents should learn to gradually separate and withdraw.

zeng qifeng once said: "the more promising children are, the more likely they are to abandon their parents, because they want to go further and meet more like-minded people."

in fact, many times, it is not the children who cannot leave, but the parents who cannot let go. however, parents should understand that

growing up is a process in which parents and children gradually become estranged from each other, and no one wants to be tied by an umbilical cord for a lifetime.