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interview and article | zhang yan

editor｜deng deng

ten points characters original

the latest data released by the all-china women's federation shows that 22.9% of women and 19.9% ​​of men have suffered domestic violence.

surprisingly, the proportion of men and women suffering from domestic violence is not much different, but in the domestic violence incidents reported in the past, there are rarely any male victims.

influenced by traditional concepts such as male dignity and "family disgrace should not be made public", most men choose to swallow their anger after suffering domestic violence and rarely seek help from the outside world. red star news once reported that a domestic violence shelter specially set up for men in shenyang had no one staying in it for five years.

in northeast china, women generally have a high status. a sample survey of more than 700 men in shenyang showed that about 20% of shenyang men had been verbally abused and beaten at home, and more than 65% of men said they had experienced domestic cold violence, including economic violence.

shao yinghua (pseudonym), 37 years old, is a native of shenyang. his wife yu ran (pseudonym) has a strong personality and a bad temper. during their ten years of marriage, yu ran has always been in a dominant position and has repeatedly abused shao yinghua. from economic control to verbal insults to physical injuries, shao yinghua repeatedly gave in to yu ran's violence, suffering severe damage both physically and mentally, but she never dared to file for divorce, nor did she disclose yu ran's violent behavior to the outside world.

what are men who are victims of domestic violence afraid of? what unspeakable difficulties do they face?

the following is compiled based on shao yinghua’s oral narration.

the truth behind a happy marriage

the room was about 13 or 14 square meters, with two single beds covered with blue striped sheets, two bedside tables next to the beds, and air conditioning. under the guidance of the staff, shao yinghua walked into the only male domestic violence shelter in china, which was established in shenyang.

afterwards, the staff took him to visit the shelter's psychological interview room, music relaxation room and the most distinctive venting room.

in the venting room, shao yinghua saw two "male" venting dolls (for those seeking help to beat and vent their grievances). the doll on the left had a buzz cut and wore black sunglasses, and was surprisingly similar to himself. this coincidence made shao yinghua laugh and cry.

the staff told shao yinghua that as long as he completed the check-in procedures, he could apply for up to ten days of free food and accommodation.

when checking in at the front desk, shao yinghua hesitated. when he visited the dormitories just now, he found that all the dormitories were empty. in the minds of northeastern men, face is the first priority, and this commonality is no exception for shao yinghua.

domestic violence shelter in shenyang/photo source: internet

in the end, he made up an excuse to the staff and fled from the shelter. "as long as i don't stay in the shelter, it doesn't count as domestic violence, it's just a conflict between husband and wife." shao yinghua's self-deception and self-consolation were his last stubbornness.

on the surface, shao yinghua's marriage is enviable.

he and his wife yu ran both work in a bank, shao yinghua in the credit department and yu ran in the cashier department. they have been married for ten years, own a house and a car, and have an eight-year-old son. the child was brought up by both parents and they never had to worry about him. they have all the hardware for a happy family.

yu ran is tall and beautiful, and is the "beauty of the bank". not only is she versatile, but she is also very capable. she ranks first in the bank in annual business assessments and has won first place in the province several times.

when they first met, shao yinghua discovered that yu ran had a very strong personality, but he felt that it was natural for yu ran to be strong because she was indeed better than himself.

yu ran is an only child whose parents are old bank employees, while shao yinghua's parents are farmers. he is a typical "phoenix man" and he feels that the only thing that makes him worthy of yu ran is his height.

shao yinghua and yu ran were in a free love relationship. when they were dating, shao yinghua was just the bank president's driver. yu ran rejected many high-quality men, including the sons of several branch presidents and the son of the director of the business department, and finally chose to marry shao yinghua, which made him somewhat flattered.

shao yinghua had asked yu ran many times why he chose him, and yu ran always answered jokingly: "you should pick the softest persimmons."

after shao yinghua asked several times, yu ran finally said that she felt shao yinghua had a good personality, was law-abiding, and considerate. being with such a person could reduce the consumption in the marriage and allow her to maintain her complete self.

at the beginning, shao yinghua thought that yu ran was praising his strengths. however, after many years of marriage, he gradually realized that yu ran was very clear-headed when she entered into the marriage. she knew very well that she was willful and irritable, and could not serve a powerful man. she chose to "marry down" to shao yinghua, which would not only make the man "surrender" psychologically, but also make her parents-in-law pay more attention to her. in this way, she would secure her position as the "queen" in the family.

economic control, the first step to domestic violence

yu ran is very kind to shao yinghua's parents.

after the two got married, shao yinghua's parents still rented a house in the suburbs, so yu ran said to shao yinghua: "we can't live in the new house and let the parents-in-law rent a house."

she quickly bought a nearly 200-square-meter courtyard house for her parents-in-law in the suburbs. fearing that the old couple would feel uneasy living there, yu ran insisted on writing the names of shao yinghua's parents when applying for the property title.

from then on, her parents-in-law treated yu ran as their daughter, and treated her better than shao yinghua. later, when shao yinghua complained to her parents that yu ran abused him, the old couple didn't believe it at all. shao yinghua's father even said, "i don't believe such a good child can bully you. if you dare to file for divorce, i will break one of your legs." shao yinghua was inconsolable.

wedding photo of yu ran and shao yinghua

yu ran's violence against shao yinghua began with economic control.

at the beginning of their marriage, shao yinghua took the initiative to hand over his salary card. he felt that this was the basis of trust. moreover, his parents often taught him: "he who harms his wife will never gain anything."

yu ran gave shao yinghua 500 yuan in pocket money every month, but this amount was not enough. he only needed to fill up the gas tank a few times or buy a pack of cigarettes. shao yinghua was always short of money when she wanted to go out with friends or encountered unexpected situations. she had hoped that the bank's bonuses and overtime pay could make up for the shortfall, but yu ran was in the cashier department, and as soon as the bank issued subsidies, yu ran took the bonuses for both of them.

shao yinghua felt a little aggrieved and asked yu ran for more pocket money.

yu ran refused: "when we have a child in the future, it will be a huge expense. from the birth of the child to graduation from college, it will cost at least more than one million. besides, our parents will need our help when they get old. if we spend lavishly now without planning, what will happen in the future?"

shao yinghua was most afraid of yu ran mentioning the word "help", because the only people who needed "help" were probably his parents. so shao yinghua could only walk into the kitchen in silence, and turn around to look at yu ran's new diamond-studded manicure, which cost at least one or two hundred yuan. shao yinghua felt very unbalanced, but he couldn't complain about his wife's "double standards", so he could only endure it.

shao yinghua can repair cars, and he would occasionally go to his friend's car dealership to help out during holidays, and finally he had some money on hand.

but shao yinghua's secret fund was soon exposed.

once, the bank organized a trip to hainan, and shao yinghua brought a pearl necklace to yu ran when he came back. yu ran asked him where he got so much money, and shao yinghua reported it truthfully. yu ran did not accuse shao yinghua of hiding a small treasury, but calmly said: "since you can be self-reliant, i will not give you pocket money every month, and save a little for my son's education fund."

shao yinghua wanted to refute, but didn't know where to start. in order to keep the peace, he could only shut up.

ignored verbal violence

yu ran's financial control over shao yinghua lasted less than two years and escalated into verbal violence.

in the second month of her pregnancy, yu ran said to shao yinghua, "you can't be the president's assistant for the rest of your life. you have irregular working hours and are on call every day. you have no future. when the child grows up, other classmates will ask, 'what does your father do?' the child will say, 'my father is a driver'. people will look down on you. i want to transfer you to the credit department."

yu ran's aunt was the vice president of the head office. thanks to this relationship, shao yinghua was transferred to the credit department within three months.

after the job transfer, shao yinghua not only got a salary increase, but also had more free time. he used his time after get off work to take care of the pregnant yu ran at home.

yu ran had severe pregnancy reactions, morning sickness, and a very picky taste. it was common for her to want to eat snail noodles and ice cream in the early morning, and shao yinghua could satisfy all of these unconditionally, but yu ran's increasingly picky temper also gave him a headache.

if shao yinghua did something that didn't go to yu ran's liking, no matter how trivial it was, he would be scolded. he would be scolded for forgetting yu ran's morning sickness and using a scented facial cleanser; for not lifting the toilet seat when peeing; for not placing the towel properly; for squeezing the toothpaste in the middle; for tearing the dividing line of the tissue paper...

from "can you learn this lesson?" at the beginning to "you will be nothing without me"; from "a grown man can't even take care of his own wife" to "you are used to living off others", yu ran's words became more and more harsh.

although it hurt to hear this, shao ying felt that yu ran was pregnant and might say something she didn't want to say due to the influence of pregnancy hormones, so what if she cursed a few times? he endured it all.

shao huaying did not realize that yu ran's frequent verbal abuse was essentially a form of mental pua.

in yu ran's words, shao yinghua is a good-for-nothing, brainless man who depends on his wife. gradually, even shao yinghua himself thinks that his home is given by his wife, his job is arranged by his wife, and his parents are taken care of by his wife. he is really a "useless man who can't stand up" as yu ran said. shao yinghua becomes more and more weak and afraid of things. he has to ask yu ran for permission for everything. even if he wants to buy a watermelon, he has to call his wife for her opinion.

endure in humiliation

after the child was born, yu ran's mental control over shao yinghua began to escalate into a punitive "cold violence control" - if the child was disobedient, he would be put on ice.

after working in the credit department for a few years, shao yinghua had more social events as his position was promoted. occasionally, when he came home late, yu ran would give him a cold shoulder and even lock him out. shao yinghua was tired of yu ran's control over him and began to "disobey" yu ran. sometimes, even if he got off work on time, he would sit in the car for a while, smoke a cigarette, and then go upstairs.

shao yinghua and friends gathering

during this period, shao yinghua still did not realize that yu ran's financial control, verbal violence, personality degradation, and mental control constituted "domestic violence." he just felt that his life was awkward and uncomfortable, but he could not point out any specific faults with his wife.

once, shao yinghua accompanied a client to a social gathering and returned home in the early morning. he was afraid of disturbing yu ran, so he sneaked to the second bedroom to rest. in the middle of the night, shao yinghua felt very thirsty. when he opened his eyes dazedly, he suddenly saw yu ran standing by his bed in white pajamas with disheveled hair. shao yinghua screamed and woke up from his sleep.

at this time, yu ran suddenly spoke up: "you haven't been home all day, is there someone outside?"

shao yinghua was helpless: "why are you not sleeping in the middle of the night? what are you thinking about?"

"after giving birth, i gained more than 30 pounds and had spots on my face. recently, you have been coming home later and later, and you even dare to talk back to me. i always smell perfume on your clothes." yu ran said.

"there's no perfume smell at all. can you please stop being unreasonable?" shao yinghua said impatiently.

yu ran stared at shao yinghua for a while, then turned and left. from that day on, yu ran and shao yinghua began a cold war.

yu ran's cold war was not just as simple as not talking, but she really treated shao yinghua as air. shao yinghua had never seen a woman who was so good at cold war. no matter how he tried to please her, even if he gave up his dignity as a man and knelt down to beg for mercy, she just ignored him.

at home, yu ran only talked to her son. if shao yinghua interrupted, she would be directly filtered out. yu ran took her child back to her mother's house for dinner. it was past ten o'clock in the evening. shao yinghua called her but she didn't answer. shao yinghua called her mother-in-law and found out that the mother and son were not going home at night.

the longest period of cold war between the two was one and a half months. during that time, yu ran even deleted shao yinghua's wechat and blocked her phone number. the two lived under the same roof, each doing their own work, eating their own food, and living their own life. the home became a prison, suffocating.

shao yinghua couldn't remember how many times he admitted his mistakes and how many letters of guarantee he wrote. finally, he went to his mother-in-law for help, and yu ran finally gave in.

letter of guarantee from shao yinghua to yu ran

the mother-in-law advised shao yinghua: "child, you should be more tolerant and let her win. she is upset and can do anything. even i, as a mother, am no match for her."

after the cold war, yu ran felt that the results were minimal. shao yinghua was like a dead pig that was not afraid of boiling water. he could not serve as a warning. it would be better to take revenge immediately.

as a result, yu ran began to beat shao yinghua frequently. he would beat her when she felt uncomfortable during her menstrual period, when she was wronged outside, and when her son did not perform well in exams. shao yinghua was beaten by yu ran until she completely lost the ability to resist.

for the sake of family harmony, shao yinghua endured it all the time, but her son followed suit and joined yu ran in bullying shao yinghua. the mother and son even stuffed more than a dozen ice packs into shao yinghua's clothes when he was taking a nap.

shao yinghua ran to the bathroom and took out the ice pack. he heard the mother and son laughing outside. he also heard his son say in a childish voice, "dad is a big loser." shao yinghua sat on the toilet lid and cried.

a grown man, who had fallen into such a mess, had nowhere to complain. if he told his parents, he was afraid they would worry, and if he told his friends, he was afraid they would laugh at him. when shao yinghua couldn't stand it any longer, he secretly called the "hotline" of the women's federation, just hoping to get some impartial care.

sister li who answered the phone told shao yinghua that there was nothing to be ashamed of.

in the past two years, one-third of the calls for help came from men. it is not just men in northeast china, but men all over the country are increasingly experiencing violence in their families. but after talking for more than half an hour, the elder sister could not give any better suggestions except asking shao yinghua to communicate well with his wife.

the consequences of resistance

in order to avoid his wife, shao yinghua began to frequently use overtime as an excuse to not go home. yu ran knew that shao yinghua was avoiding him, and the violence escalated, from biting, scratching and pinching to using a rolling pin and firecrackers. shao yinghua didn't dare to shout loudly, let alone fight back, and could only beg for mercy.

in northeast china, women generally have a higher status. boys are taught to give in to girls from a young age, and they dare not hit women easily when they grow up. in northeast china, men who commit domestic violence may even face "social death" and "gang beatings".

shao yinghua was most afraid of colleagues or friends asking him out for drinks. even in summer, he didn't dare wear short sleeves, let alone go shirtless, because his arms were covered with bruises and were horrible to look at. occasionally, when his friends saw them, he could only explain that they were scratched by his cat.

faced with the violence of ran, shao yinghua tried to resist, but it was proved that resistance would only bring more tragic consequences.

one day in may this year, yu ran was cooking in the kitchen. shao yinghua came into the kitchen and said, "can you not make such a mess when you cook? you cook for an hour and i will clean up the kitchen for two hours." unexpectedly, yu ran turned around and hit shao yinghua on the head with a stainless steel basin, causing shao yinghua to see stars.

the son couldn't stand it and said to ran: "mom, why do you always bully my dad?"

yu ran was having a bad day that day, and she wanted to push her son out of the kitchen, but she used too much force and the child tripped and fell with the back of his head hitting the ground with a loud thump.

shao yinghua felt sorry for the child and yelled at ran: "it's fine if you use me as a punching bag, but i'm a grown man and i'll take a few beatings. how can you hit a child?"

yu ran became even angrier, and he grabbed the basin and tried to hit shao yinghua again, but he missed. he stumbled and his thigh scraped against the edge of the kitchen cabinet, cutting his skin.

as soon as he saw yu ran injured, shao yinghua knew he was in big trouble and quickly ran out of the house, but he had nowhere to go - if he went to his parents' house, his parents would stand on yu ran's side regardless of right or wrong; if he went to a friend's house, he would not only disturb them but also be embarrassed; if he went to a hotel, the few dollars he had would only be enough to buy breakfast. he swiped on his phone and suddenly found the male domestic violence shelter in the city, but when he really arrived at the shelter, he didn't have the courage to move in.

while shao yinghua was hesitating, she received a photo from yu ran. she took a photo of herself injured, and there were only three words written on it: "wait."

the injured photo yu ran sent to shao yinghua

what to do in a marriage filled with violence?

shao yinghua didn't dare to go home, but it was impossible for him to stay away from home forever. so the next day after get off work, he stayed in the underground garage for more than an hour and smoked a few cigarettes before he mustered up the courage to open the door.

shao yinghua carefully admitted his mistake to yu ran, who was quite normal and didn't make things difficult for him. shao yinghua thought he could escape, but unexpectedly, he woke up at 3:00 in the morning with a sharp pain in his right forearm. he saw yu ran standing by the bed with a baseball bat in his hand, looking ferocious.

shao yinghua rolled on the ground in pain, and yu ran rushed him to the emergency department of the affiliated hospital. when the doctor examined him, shao yinghua did not dare to tell the doctor that it was his wife who beat him, and could only say that he rolled down from the upstairs and fell.

seeing yu ran's panicked face, shao yinghua briefly thought of calling the police. but he quickly dismissed the idea. he couldn't call the police because he was afraid of being embarrassed and worried that he wouldn't be able to explain to his two families. if everyone knew about it, how would he deal with the many problems that would arise?

yu ran also realized that she had gone too far. after shao yinghua was injured, she took good care of him. after shao yinghua recovered, her attitude towards shao yinghua also changed, but the problems between the two were already too big to be ignored.

shao yinghua in the hospital

shao yinghua had the idea of ​​divorce, but considering that yu ran had two families backing him up and they worked in the same unit, if he filed for divorce, he would definitely be branded as a man who abandoned his wife and children, and even his social circle would be ruined, so he kept hesitating.

yu ran seemed to have noticed shao yinghua's thoughts. she was worried that the elders on both sides would find out about the "broken arm" incident, so she threw all the medical records of shao yinghua during his injury into the trash can, and secretly deleted all the photos stored in shao yinghua's mobile phone.

under long-term domestic violence, shao yinghua felt that he had been broken both physically and mentally. sometimes he thought that if he had found a gentle woman who was not as outstanding as yu ran, he might have suffered less. facing yu ran's violence, he had become numb. he even thought that he had become a "waste" with no status in the family, no money, and no ability.

editor's note

this is not a story of "beating is love, scolding is love". physical and mental abuses between family members through beating, mutilation, restriction of personal freedom, frequent verbal abuse, intimidation, etc. are all domestic violence. both men and women can become victims. stopping domestic violence should start with no longer ignoring, tolerating and forgiving.

as for the future of shao yinghua and yu ran’s marriage, it is up to them to choose.

unless otherwise specified, the pictures in the article are from the interviewees.