what do i use to show my personality?
2024-08-31
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xiaosi is a lively and cheerful girl in the second grade of junior high school. she likes to express herself and her academic performance is acceptable. however, she is a headache for her head teacher, ms. liu. since the first grade of junior high school, xiaosi has challenged ms. liu's authority in the class with various words and behaviors. no matter what ms. liu arranges, xiaosi will not obey the management and will jump out to express different opinions and objections. ms. liu is very distressed and has no choice but to ask me for help, hoping that i can talk to xiaosi and make her get along with xiaosi more smoothly. after asking xiaosi's opinion, she expressed her willingness to talk to me.
xiaosi first told me about her recent troubles. during the study tour, she met xiaoyong, a first-year junior high school boy. the two chatted very well on wechat, but xiaoyong suddenly deleted xiaosi's wechat without any warning. this puzzled xiaosi. she guessed that it might be because she had a conflict with another first-year junior high school boy. in order to prevent it from happening, xiaoyong's class teacher persuaded him to delete wechat. because xiaosi was embarrassed to verify and clarify in person, the matter had to be left unresolved. but xiaosi was very entangled in her heart: on the one hand, she felt sad and dissatisfied with xiaoyong's behavior; on the other hand, xiaosi kept blaming herself for always falling into emotional difficulties because of some trivial things.
after listening to her story, i gave xiaosi feedback: "xiaosi, you expressed yourself very clearly. which aspect of this matter is more concerning to you at the moment?"
xiao si quickly replied: "the second aspect is that i feel i am too emotional. my temper has been getting worse over the past two years, and i am always easily provoked."
"did anything special happen?" i asked.
"nothing. it's just that my father died suddenly of a heart attack last year, and i'm still very sad." xiao si said lightly.
"you can imagine the impact of such a major event on you. during this period of time, your heart must have been filled with sadness. when you are filled with inner congestion, you will lack patience, so it is understandable that you get angry easily." i responded to her.
"i think i'm fine, and this incident has passed. but i do have no patience. sometimes when i'm with my mom, if i think she's doing something slowly or poorly, i'll get mad at her," xiao si said. "i don't really want to be like this, but i can't control it."
"i believe mom will understand you, but mom will also be sad now that dad is gone. while she is sad, she also has to be strong and take good care of you, so it's not easy for mom," i said.
"my mother is a psychological counselor. she is usually very gentle to me and never yells at me. but i also feel that she does not understand me. when i told her that i felt unwell and wanted to go to the hospital, my mother never expressed the necessary concern to me. she just asked, 'do you want to go?' after hearing what she said, i didn't want to go anymore." xiao si said.
"so, when you get angry at your mother, she won't say anything to you, but will just listen silently?" i asked.
"teacher, how did you know? that's it." xiao si was a little surprised.
"i just guessed based on my feelings, and i didn't expect to be right." i said, "but after listening to you, i feel bad for you. because if i were you, i would be very crazy. i feel that i have emotions that i want to vent, but when i talk to my mother, it's like a punch on cotton and it's deflected. i have no desire to talk anymore."
"yes, you are absolutely right."
"so, you keep challenging your head teacher because you want to express your desire to talk and hope that teacher liu will pay attention to you?" i took the opportunity to ask her.
"not entirely. my parents taught me not to obey everything, so i have dared and been willing to express different opinions since i was young, and it has become a habit. sometimes i raise objections, and it seems that there is no reason, i just want to challenge the rules." xiao si said, "i treat my parents the same way at home, and they also approve of me doing this."
"oh, this is something i didn't expect." i said frankly, "but xiaosi, have you ever thought that if you always challenge the rules like this, your heart will be in a state of battle, which is actually very exhausting for you and will make you nervous and anxious."
"i am indeed prone to tension and anxiety," said xiao si.
"the purpose of rules is to protect the safety of the vast majority of individuals in a group. so for most people, as long as they follow the rules, the psychological cost is very low. but because of your family's upbringing, you always have to challenge the rules, so you have to always pull yourself up and be on combat alert. the psychological cost is much higher, and it will prevent you from investing enough psychological costs in more important things." i told xiao si.
"teacher, what you said makes a lot of sense. my parents always hope that i can dare to express my personality, and i think it's good. i really haven't thought about so much." xiao si said.
"following the rules and showing your individuality are two different things. in other words, you don't need to challenge the rules to show your individuality. xiaosi, when you communicate with me, you express yourself clearly and accurately, and your thinking is quick and organized. with your qualifications, if you study hard, you will definitely be more outstanding academically than you are now. isn't this a good way to show your individuality? or you can use your expertise to serve as host and other roles in large-scale school events, which also shows your individuality." i said.
xiao si smiled: "i think i know what to do. i will talk to my mother when i go back. but i think there are some things i can't explain as clearly as you, so can you also talk to my mother?"
"of course, i'd be happy to support you if you need it," i answered her.
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consultant’s insights:
xiaosi is a typical example. class teachers from other schools also mentioned similar situations when communicating with me. some parents seem to be very ignorant and keep instigating their children to go against the school, leaving teachers at a loss. however, teachers usually express that they feel sorry for the children because parents do not understand that doing so will not only consume a lot of their children's psychological capital, but also make them look different in school and class.
when i told xiaosi's mother that "families encourage children to challenge rules as a way to express their individuality" is actually a huge loss of the child's psychological capital, the mother immediately said: "teacher, your words have enlightened me." i also highly affirmed the mother's understanding. the mother, as a gentle container carrying the child's emotions, has made a lot of valuable efforts. the child is currently in a more positive and sunny state, which is inseparable from the efforts of the mother behind the scenes.
later, xiaosi changed a lot, and was able to devote all her efforts to study, and her grades also improved significantly. this was also due to the consensus reached between the family and the school, and the close communication and cooperation. i hope that every family like xiaosi can use appropriate efforts to support their children's future.
zhong tingting source: china youth daily
source: china youth daily
