reading·original｜she is looking for her own "light" in the dark
2024-09-14
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author: wang weihua
source: reading, issue 9, 2024
as soon as the freshmen entered the school, sisi became the study committee member of the class and sat in the first row in the middle of the classroom.
in class, she listened carefully, took beautiful notes, interacted with the teacher frequently, and even completed more homework than i assigned. because she was a study committee member, she often came to my office to hand in homework, and she would seize such opportunities to ask me for answers to difficult questions. all these efforts were rewarded in the first semester - her chinese grades were far ahead of the class, which made me, a chinese teacher, very pleased.
but at the beginning of the second semester, i found that sisi was obviously different from the previous semester. she began to be distracted in class and often stared blankly at a certain place in the classroom after class. her homework was more perfunctory than before, and her essays were no longer vivid. as a study committee member, her work enthusiasm also decreased a lot. there were several times when she even forgot to turn on the multimedia in advance.
this discovery surprised and saddened me, just like a farmer who suddenly saw that the seedlings he had taken the most careful care of were wilting for unknown reasons. i began to pay more attention to her, remind her more often, interact with her in class, and even write subtle criticisms in her homework... but all these were ineffective. by the end of the semester, her grades had slipped to the middle of the class.
for a long time, i tried to find out the reason for sisi's change. however, as a teacher, i only taught them twice a week, so i didn't have much contact with them. during this period, i went to the head teacher to understand the situation, but the young head teacher didn't know the reason either. i could only solve the problem through my own observation and thinking.
as the study committee member of the class, sisi once added me on wechat separately, so her wechat circle of friends became a small window for me to observe her.
during that time, i saw her circle of friends posting photos of a very handsome and sunny boy from time to time. every time sisi posted on her circle of friends, she wrote very implicitly - "you said: no matter whether it was before, now, or in the future, i will make every time unique and more perfect." "you said: i hope you can stay happy, and want to do everything well..." the sentences were beautifully written and inspiring, but the doubts in my heart grew stronger and stronger: is sisi's change in learning status and declining grades related to him?
one day not long after, i saw sisi post a photo of a concert on her wechat moments, with a message: "i want to say, even if the glow sticks become crutches, you are still my original belief." the boy standing in the center of the stadium stage with glow sticks waving like a forest was the "god" in sisi's mind - he came to this city to hold a concert, and sisi got to meet her idol as she wished.
"sisi, can you share with me how you feel about chasing stars? at first i thought that handsome and cool boy was your boyfriend, haha..." during the break that day, i walked past sisi's seat and jokingly talked to her about chasing stars. perhaps a few words of laughter dispelled her concerns, or perhaps she had too many grievances accumulated and had nowhere to vent, sisi could no longer hold back and poured out her feelings to me: "teacher, why are parents and teachers so confused when it comes to chasing stars, and even attack and insult us for no reason?"
she became more and more emotional, and her face turned red. i wanted to have a good talk with her about the rational way of chasing stars, but it was obviously not a good time, so i just went along with her: "in fact, it is normal for you to chase stars at your age. my daughter went to shanghai to watch her idol's concert when she was a senior in college." "ah, really, teacher? who is your sister's idol? did you scold her?" before i could answer her series of questions, the class bell rang. i replied, "if you are willing to share with the teacher, you can write down the story of chasing stars so that i can also appreciate the charm of idols. now focus on the class," and then turned back to the podium. i heard her say from behind, "okay, okay, i will write it when i go back tonight, teacher, i will write 10,000 words for you to see..." in that class, sisi was in a particularly good state, just like when i first met her.
"i feel i have a say in the matter of chasing stars. it has been 1079 days since i met him on may 28, 2021. during these 1079 days, i have been working hard, hoping to become a good person like him." when i walked into sisi's class the next day, she placed the "homework" she had written the night before neatly in front of me - 4 pages of a4 paper densely packed with several thousand words. i wonder how long it took her to write.
as i read along with her story, i realized that sisi was indeed a "senior" star chaser. she remembered so clearly that she had been on that road for 1,079 days, painfully and happily, since she graduated from junior high school and enrolled in this technical secondary school, and her state in the last semester was indeed related to this. because of star chasing, she had a fierce conflict with her family. her parents blamed her for being ignorant and strictly forbade her to chase stars, but she did not feel that she had done anything wrong and often fell into confusion and pain.
she wrote: "many people don't understand us. they think that fans spend their parents' hard-earned money but do things that have nothing to do with themselves. but that's not the case. take me for example. at that time, i was almost broken by the pressure. because i met him and knew that he had worked a hundred times harder than me to achieve the current success, i realized that as long as i don't give up, there will be rewards. when i was discussed and isolated by my classmates, it was his works that helped me get through the unbearable time. moreover, every time i lost hope in myself, i thought that only by studying hard to make myself better and more outstanding can i have the possibility of meeting him, and all the frustration would instantly turn into motivation to move forward.
"chasing stars can enrich myself and help me find my own direction. when i was in junior high school, i failed to enter high school due to poor grades. i once felt desperate, but he helped me redefine my life goals. he often practiced the piano until his hands hurt, and even when he had severe achilles tendonitis, he would endure the pain and continue to practice dancing... i want to be like him and become a strong and optimistic person."
there were many long sentences that clearly told the story of the idol's success in her mind, and also expressed her long-accumulated happiness and pain. i was relieved and drew some red wavy lines under many of her paragraphs and sentences to show my approval. it seems that what fascinated her about the idol was not his glamorous appearance, but his indomitable fighting spirit and the connotation of his works. this was beyond my imagination.
after getting sisi's consent, i shared some passages from her article in class and sent them to the children who were chasing stars like her. i also shared with them the past when i accompanied my daughter in "chasing stars": "back then, i searched all the songs of that singer on the internet, listened to them reluctantly, and found a lot of information to discover the shining points that are worth learning and chasing after by young people, and communicated and learned with my daughter... as a mother born in the 1970s, i also became fashionable and accompanied her in chasing stars."
seeing the children listening with amazement and admiration, i continued to strike while the iron was hot: "now, i share this with you, hoping that you will look further and wider in your star-chasing. our ancestors left behind so many cultural treasures, our forefathers sacrificed their lives for today's peace and happiness, and our aerospace heroes have been pursuing the dream of flying... in the long history of the chinese nation, there are so many shining stars that are worth chasing!" then, i pulled the children's wandering thoughts back to the classroom. at the end of the class that day, i saw many children's eyes twinkling with small stars, very bright.
"in the process of chasing stars, people are like 'light chasers', and i am looking for 'light bodies' in the darkness, looking for a better self." this is what sisi later posted on her moments. at that time, she had walked out of the troubles caused by "chasing stars" and regained her former enthusiasm, enthusiasm and liveliness.
as sisi's teacher, i am glad that when she was lost, i did not indiscriminately accuse and criticize her, nor did i let her go without asking questions. instead, i gave her enough tolerance and understanding, and an outlet for her to talk, and led her to a bright future. as she continues to grow, i believe that she will find more "luminaries" in her life journey, leading her forward bravely.
