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The first time I heard of "Child care teacher”, I saw a post on a social network by a psychology doctor, with a shocking title: “I never expected that the companion therapists in Shanghai have been involved to this extent.”

She said she had participated in more than 100 interviews for child companions and was often shocked by the talents and abilities of the teachers. She cited the following evidence:

The average monthly salary of a child companion is 10,000 to 30,000 yuan.Cherry, the head of a family education agency, said that they had facilitated orders with a monthly salary of 80,000 yuan, and companies in the same industry had even signed contracts with tutors with a monthly salary of 100,000 yuan, but these are rare.

As the tide rises, so too do high IELTS scores and a background of studying abroad in Europe and America. It is better to speak fluent and standard British accent, and sound like the elegant and well-mannered upper-class people in the British TV series "Downton Abbey" (a tutor reminded that parents who have studied abroad do not care much about accents). Some practitioners are determined to obtain teaching certificates in all subjects such as Chinese, mathematics, English, physics, chemistry, and biology to increase their bargaining chips.

This emerging industry emerged around 2022. The official version of the responsibilities include: tutoring learning, interest companionship, cultivating behavioral habits, and regulating psychological state, while the definition of a practitioner is:The mother hired a more professional "mom" to accompany the child.

“More professional dad” and “more professional mom” have become purchasable productsConsumers - less professional fathers and mothers - are like HR, selecting their own substitutes from a pool of talent. In important social occasions, they will bring their chaperones and cordially introduce their identities and educational backgrounds to the guests, the latter symbolizing the family's educational taste.

For the adults in the family, everything looks great. Middle-class/rich families, outsourcing of fatherhood/motherhood, more scientific education methods, more care... What about the children in the family? What will it bring to have two mothers/fathers at the same time?

Free Mom and Paid Mom

The person who posted the post is Chen Bing, a doctor of psychology who has worked in the online education industry for six years. In July 2021, the "double reduction" policy was introduced, and the education and training industry suffered setbacks. Chen Bing switched to become a tutor.

About a year later, Chen Bing discovered that a new branch had emerged in the market: child companions. It overlapped with tutoring, but was more... in-depth.

Tutors usually don’t get too involved in a child’s daily life and social circle:Accompany children to sleep, pick up children from school, take children to see doctors, travel with children, accompany children to classmates’ birthday parties, talk with children, deal with children’s emotional and psychological problems, and arrange children’s weekend activities...…This is the purview of parents.

These positions are outlined as “Emphasis on growth companionship and psychological education"Such "cutting-edge" and "advanced" companion education is in line with the values ​​of middle-class/rich parents in terms of concept, and it also very practically reduces their workload at home, and is very popular.

Child companions also liberate the grandparents who were originally responsible for raising their children. Young couples may choose to outsource their children because their parents’ parenting methods are “old-fashioned”, there are generational conflicts, or they cannot bear to continue to drain the energy of their elderly parents.

The employers of the companion Garbie are a young couple of the second generation of rich people. They love to play and don't want to take care of their children, but they are worried that their children's education will fall behind. They outsourced the companionship work to Garbie at a monthly salary of 30,000 yuan.

“My main priority is to not let the kids disturb their parents from playing.When adults are not around, I also want my children to feel happy."The accompanying teacher Su Su is proficient in nutrition. She will formulate a one-week diet plan for the child in advance and provide parents with theoretical basis, such as why to increase the intake of nuts and why to limit the consumption of raw and cold food.

Some parents ask the tutors to write a "daily report" like employees in a large factory, such as what they did with their children today, what they learned, and the next growth goals.The details are as detailed as "I didn't smack my lips at the dinner table today" and "I fell asleep in a certain number of minutes"Some parents will set KPIs for tutors, and the amount of bonuses is usually positively correlated with the child’s test scores.

One of Chen Bing's work arrangements

Following the trend, Chen Bing transformed herself into a live-in tutor with a monthly salary of 30,000 yuan. Clients were attracted by her psychology background and her ability to deal with students' emotional problems.

This is a family of five with three children. The father is an entrepreneur, and the company's annual turnover is in the billions. The mother is a full-time mother (in fact, she doesn't take care of the specific childcare matters). The family hired three drivers and three aunts - one is responsible for cooking, one is responsible for housework, and one is responsible for the children's daily life. Even so, Chen Bing still sighs, "It turns out that there are so many houseworks."

The family pursues a refined parenting model. The summer in the south is long and humid, and the children have to change their clothes as soon as they sweat - the mother does not allow them to appear in the room sweaty, so the housekeeper washes three or four loads of clothes every day.

Like a diligent mother, Chen Bing's day starts at 6:30 in the morning. After finishing her personal chores, she wakes up her three children at 7 o'clock sharp, urges them to wash their faces and brush their teeth, and helps the aunt prepare breakfast for the children, warms up the water, and checks the textbooks and stationery needed for school. When everything is ready, the driver takes Chen Bing to send the three children to school.

After sending the children to school, Chen Bing returned to her employer's home to start preparing lessons. She had to prepare today's learning materials and help the children fill in the gaps.The children's "original mother" usually gets up in the middle of Chen Bing's lesson preparation.After lunch, Chen Bing assisted the children’s mother in handling school “Parents’ Committee” matters or purchasing school supplies and clothing for the children.

When school is over, Chen Bing picks them up at the school gate, eats dinner and does homework together. After school, she takes the children to read or play with Lego. At around 10 p.m., she hands the children over to the caregiver, and the day's babysitting work is over.

Work photos provided by Chen Bing

Every week, she also sends her children to tennis lessons. The logistics equipment alone is a big project: paper towels are divided into dry and wet, towels are divided into sweat towels and ordinary towels, a kettle filled with warm water, a bottle of mineral drink, in addition to sunscreen, mosquito repellent, and tennis shoes.

During class, she takes photos and videos and reports to parents. During breaks, she reminds children to wipe off sweat and drink water, and communicates with the coach about progress after class. When she gets home, she also urges children to take a bath and blow-dry their hair.

"Six days a week,I really understand the hardship of being a mother.. " Chen Bing said - she is still single and has no children. Except when they are in school, she is always with them, observing their subtle emotions and minute-by-minute changes like studying cells under a microscope.

With long-term companionship, the child and the "paid mother" have established a trust that is independent of the family order. Su Su once met a mother who was very controlling. She had the final say on what hairstyle the child should have and what clothes the child should wear. After the boy entered junior high school, his self-awareness became stronger and stronger, but he could not break free from his mother's control. He hated studying and did not want to go home after school.

Su Su spent a summer with the child. She took him cycling, playing ball, and often talked with him. Su Su patiently explained to him that his mother's love was just not expressed in the right way. The summer was over, and one day the child had a quarrel with his mother. When he saw Su Su in class, he said:“I don’t like my mother to be my mother”, he looked up into Su Su's eyes and called out, "Mom".

Parenting Anxiety

Although part of the parenting responsibility has been transferred to the companion teacher, the parenting anxiety of most families has not been relieved.

Cherry's family education agency is responsible for matching families with tutors. A parent approached her and wanted to find four tutors for his child - one to take care of daily life, one to teach spoken English, one to manage emotions and mental health, and one to specialize in long-term education planning. The parent's reason was that the child was a bit rebellious and difficult to discipline.

"It's actually very difficult to manage four strangers entering a family at the same time, and it's also very difficult to control the growth of the children." Cherry persuaded tactfully.Two companions were arranged, one responsible for mental health and the other for interest planning.

Tan Zexi is from Hong Kong and has worked as a tutor in both Shanghai and Hong Kong. Most of the children she teaches attend international schools and do not need to take the college entrance examination, but they all have their own paths and share the same goal.

Tan Zexi said,Behind every anxious parent stands an "uncomfortable child".

Mother No. 4 thought her child did not have the qualities to face challenges head-on, but she did not notice that her child had reached a critical point of stress: he told his friends that he was "so stressed that he wanted to die." When he was bullied at school, the child told Tan Zexi instead of his parents. In this family, the "outsourced mother" was a more intimate and safe choice for him.

Class

Among the wealthy,Efficiency, self-discipline and action are considered top qualities.Parents expect the tutor to design a schedule for their children that is accurate to the minute and supervise the children to execute it in place, preferably to the minute.

During an interview, self-discipline is one of the conditions for winning the favor of an employer. According to an intermediary, it is reflected in the companion's "image management, body management, conversation management and emotional intelligence."

In reality,The schedule is more used to constrain children and staff.Many times before the family went out, Chen Bing and her aunt hurriedly dressed the children, reminded them to go to the bathroom, prepared their belongings for going out - the complexity of which can be seen in the preparation of tennis bags, and took the children downstairs to wait 5 minutes in advance. Then, the couple arrived late.

"Do you think they value time? Yes, they do. But they hope they are privileged," said Chen Bing.

The distinction of status is no secret among wealthy families.Among the working class, escorts are often in a high position - they have the opportunity to accompany families to dinner parties, travel to expensive attractions, and stay in luxury hotels.

Chen Bing is very cautious about the preferential treatment she enjoys. She doesn't want to show the difference in front of the housekeeper and the driver, because the work within the family requires the cooperation of others, "you can't let others envy you." In order to maintain interpersonal relationships, Chen Bing often praises the cooking aunt for her excellent cooking skills (she only does this when her employer is out to show her sincerity), or finds study materials for the housekeeper's children.

Garbie is currently working as a companion in the UAE. The child she is accompanying is very sensitive and cries every day. "Today is rainy, he cries; his sister runs too fast, he cries too." The employer hopes that Garbie can take the child out more often - there are so many toys in this wealthy family that it's like a playground, and the child can get everything without going out; the whole family pampers the child and gives him whatever he wants. Gradually, the child stops going out.

Children also seem to be aware that they are born with wealth and resources.A normally very polite primary school student, after being asked by Chen Bing to do his homework, changed his usual meekness and retorted, "Are you afraid that my dad will deduct your money? I am Mr. Xiao X, and my words are counted."

Another incident happened in a family with three children. The second child had a conflict with someone outside, and the eldest child stood up for his younger brother: "How dare he say that to you? You should fight back.No matter how much you earn in your entire life, you will never earn as much as I did when I was born.”

Unlike the rebellious children, employers are always polite to the companions, and some details give people a subtle feeling. Tan Zexi comes from a wealthy family. If she needs to attend a party with friends after get off work, she will wear luxury goods as a match, a necklace or a bracelet, and sometimes a luxury brand bag. At this time, the attentive employer will soften the tone of her speech.

Some parents were surprised to learn that Tan Zexi lived in a very prosperous area in Shanghai:"Your family is so well off, why do you still come to do this job?"

Tan Zexi said, "Because I like to be with children." But the employer's surprise has already expressed his opinion on the job of a companion.

resource

Chen Bing was born in a rural area of ​​Hebei Province. He studied in the countryside until the third grade and then transferred to a primary school in the county town. Only then did he realize that there were music, art, and physical education classes in school, and that Mandarin had to be spoken in class.

In her growing up, she believed that there was only one path in life, and all her efforts in the first 18 years were for the college entrance examination. She entered the tutoring industry with the ideal of education in mind.We hope to try to provide a better education for these families who have more resources and choices.

Chen Bing discovered that wealthy families do not deliberately pursue brand-name products in food and clothing, and the eldest child’s clothes will be left for the second child to continue wearing.But they usually plan their children's future early on, investing in their education and interests regardless of cost.

Work photos provided by Chen Bing

A child suddenly became obsessed with building Lego, and almost every day during the summer vacation, he asked to buy a new one. The parents never refused. After the vacation, the child finished building the "Avengers" and "Transformers" series, and also took Lego classes. At the beginning of the year, the football star Cristiano Ronaldo, whom the child admired, came to China. Without hesitation, the parents bought tickets for three or four thousand yuan each, and the whole family accompanied the child to meet his idol.

Chen Bing taught a child from a well-known local family. After the child went to school, the parents donated a sponsorship fee to the expensive private school. The child's academic performance did not improve. The parents did not think that the child needed to improve, but thought that the head teacher's teaching methods were not suitable. Then, the class got a new head teacher.

These children have the opportunity to attend high-end events since they were young. One primary school student has attended several auctions with his father and is used to seeing adults spend lavishly and buy a certain collection for one or two million. "They really don't have low self-esteem," Chen Bing said.They will also observe how adults communicate and do things in such situations.”

A boy paid his family's driver to play games for him. After the incident was exposed, the driver was fired by his parents. The boy then went online to find someone to practice for him. Chen Bing asked him why he couldn't practice by himself. The boy said, "Is it necessary for me to spend several months to do something that others can do in a week?"

"They are born with resources and know how to use them to get what they want."Use resources to save yourself effort, and then spend your energy where you want to," Chen Bing said, "but the habit of working-class children is to rely on their own efforts and investment to figure things out."

Tan Zexi once met a family that was completely uncompetitive—not because they were against “pushing their kids to study harder”, but because the family was too well off. During their first meeting, the career-beautiful mother said to Tan Zexi, “I’m not asking you to help my child improve his grades, I’m asking you to play with him.”As long as your child doesn't take detours, you shouldn't put pressure on him to study.。”

choose

Chen Bing believes that children born into wealthy families are lucky enough to have enough choices.However, in education, there are too many choices, and children and parents are faced with the dilemma of whether to choose or give up, choose A or BCDEFG every day.

The boy who was learning tennis didn't like to practice basic skills and often complained that it was too boring. He was lazy and slacked off when he arrived at the training ground. The tennis coach asked him to practice forehand swing, but the boy swung for a while and said he didn't want to practice anymore.

Chen Bing discussed countermeasures with the parents, and the parents thought that it would be better to take the child to play tennis, which might stimulate his interest. When he arrived at the competition venue, the little boy watched from a distance and did not dare to go down, "others played too hard." The mother agreed that it was necessary to cultivate the perseverance in the child's character, but she also thought, what if he just didn't like tennis?

“They feel bad for their children and can’t be too tired.The education of children is too divergent, as if (anything) that goes against children's nature is wrong. "Chen Bing said.

Finally, the problem with tennis lessons was solved - the parents decided to change coaches; if the child's interest was still not aroused, they would change to another sport.

Work photos provided by Chen Bing

Chen Bing felt a sense of frustration that she had nowhere to go. She fulfilled her duties and tried to find ways to help the child adjust his habits and cultivate his will and character. But education is a long-term battle. Today, the teacher finally helped the child to do it, but tomorrow the parents' attitude would affect it back, "those habits that I spent so much effort to improve, are gone again."

"The name of companion therapist carries a lot of expectations from families, but how much can we actually do?" Chen Bing said that this is a pain point for the entire industry.The industry has not yet settled on a set of service standards, and practitioners are groping on their own. In the end, the explorers of educational ideals will always become executors of the employers' (changing) opinions.

After three experiences as a live-in tutor, Chen Bing “didn’t know what a better education model was” and she left the team of frontline tutors.

accompany

When interacting with children who long for their parents' company, Tan Zexi thinks of her childhood.

She was born in a wealthy remarried family in Hong Kong. Her father was busy with work and was only at home a few days a month. Her mother gave up her career at her father's suggestion. Her life wore her down and she could only pin her life's achievements on her child. She compared her daughter with her half-sister, comparing her studies and beauty, wanting to outdo her in everything.

The couple's marriage was in crisis, and the house was always filled with quarrels. The mother was depressed and had health problems. Tan Zexi became sensitive and did not dare to speak in public. Her grades dropped sharply. Her father made a fuss about her studies and blamed her mother for teaching her child like this. "I was very tired at home at that time," Tan Zexi said softly.

Perhaps it is because I lacked my father's company when I was growing up.After becoming a tutor, Tan Zexi can always detect the moments when children are unable to speak.

The reason why companion Dai Yan chose this line of work is also related to her growth.

She was born in a small village in Anhui. Her father was strict and didn't communicate much with her, while her mother was capable and took care of all the household affairs. Dai Yan was outgoing, thoughtful, and had good grades. But she was always troubled by why her grandparents favored her younger brother. It was not until she was admitted to university and left the village that she gradually realized that her grievances as a child were not because she was not good enough.

Growing up is never easy. Dai Yan, who is planning to apply for a doctorate in child psychology, feels that she relied on her own efforts to comfort herself when she was neglected in the past, and her work as a companion gives her the opportunity to help other confused children.

Dai Yan and her employer's baby

In fact, it’s not just children who are lonely.The companion always sees the lonely mother.Most of them are stay-at-home moms, focusing on their husbands and children. During an interview for a companion, a mother suddenly burst into tears and expressed her exhaustion of raising a child alone.

Dai Yan accompanied a Chinese family in the UK. The child was over two years old at the time. He was born during the epidemic and had hardly left home and rarely interacted with strangers. The child lived in a world with only his parents. Even if his mother went to the bathroom, he would cry loudly.

In order to take care of a high-demand baby, the young mother quit her job and gave up social activities. After giving birth, she had health problems, but she kept delaying treatment because the child couldn't leave her. Under the dual pressure of physical and emotional pressure, she couldn't sleep all night and vomited everything she ate. When the child cried, she couldn't suppress her self-blame. The purpose of hiring a companion was simple: to have someone to stabilize the child so that she could free up time for surgery.

Dai Yan felt depressed during the first two weeks of working in this company. London has no sun all year round, and it gets dark at 4 pm in winter. The young mother stayed in the gloomy room, guarding her fragile child.

One night, the child vomited milk and the mother happened to be sick. Her husband was working overtime in the next room with headphones on, unaware of what was happening next to him. The mother was so upset that she shouted her husband's name. The man ran over, at a loss, not knowing what to do.

"I told the mother that you need to take care of yourself first before you can truly love your child," Dai Yan said. Going deep into the family, she felt that everyone was helpless under the pressure of life.In this family, the one who needs company the most is actually the child's mother.。

So, what about dad?

Back to the starting point of this job: the mother hired a more professional "mother" to accompany the child. So, what about the father?

I talked to seven escorts, all of whom happened to be women. There are male escorts in the industry, but they account for a very small proportion, "it is difficult for one in ten families to designate a male teacher." Some families choose male escorts to develop their children's sports ability, and the reason for refusal is mostly that it is inconvenient for male teachers to take care of little girls. In an interview with the media, escort Shura mentioned, "Considering privacy and etiquette, it is inconvenient for male escorts to live at home, and many employers will rent a separate house for male escorts."

Although each family has different considerations, in actual operation,Childcare is still considered the mother's job.Therefore, outsourced companions are also "outsourced mothers" and there is little demand for "outsourced fathers".It’s not because the “original dads” fulfilled their fatherly duties perfectly, it’s because they were exempted and had almost no responsibilities.

Chen Bing made masks with the children

Even if we narrow the scope to the stories of seven companion teachers, the images of mothers and fathers are very different.

Mothers are always specific, vivid and diverse.: She is an anxious "tiger mom" who pushes her child hard, a career beauty who values ​​her child's mental health more than academic performance, and a full-time mother who suppresses herself, sacrifices and devotes herself yet is unwilling to give up... The specific and detailed parenting matters, including but not limited to life care, study and education, emotional comfort, physical health... and communication with the companion, are mainly completed by the mother.

In some families, mothers also need to "raise" the father of their children at the same time. They are the "giant babies" in the family. In addition to being financially independent and not needing tutoring, they also have specific and detailed needs in terms of life care, emotional comfort, and physical health.

The image of the father is free, invisible or looming.: Too busy with their careers and not present; even if they are present, they are often like the London dad who "recluses at home" with headphones on - "after running over, he was at a loss, not knowing what to do"; some fathers do participate in parenting, but they are more like "family bosses", focusing on the big things and letting go of the small things, "relatively strong and rough" (in the evaluation of people around them, they are often praised and are already "the best dads"); or, they play a role in specific scenarios: when other adults can't handle the children, the fathers come in and "end" the disobedient children in a rough way.

So, when more professional companionship becomes a purchasable commodity, a new parenting story is played out by two mothers and their children.

At the request of the interviewees, Chen Bing and Tan Zexi are pseudonyms;SuSu, Cherry, and Garbie are common names. This article is reproduced with permission from Phoenix.com. Any unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.

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