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Author: Zhu Keying

Editor｜Chen Tianmu

This is the "Mom's Truth" column of Tencent News Education Channel. In each issue, we will invite a mother to share her educational philosophy, parenting experience, or the difficulties she encountered in family education. Real stories and sincere conversations touch the deepest truth and emotion of education.

In the increasingly competitive education field, we have discovered a trend of "slow parenting" on social media. There seems to be no accurate and authoritative definition of this term, and everyone has a different understanding of it. Some people believe that slow parenting is not about leaving children alone, but about giving guidance and support at the right time, allowing children to grow at their own pace; others believe that slow parenting means not rushing, interfering, or spoiling the fun, allowing children to grow slowly.

Of course, "fast" and "slow" are never standards, but relative concepts. There is no best method for education, only suitable and unsuitable.We invited a mother from Haidian to share her "slow parenting" lifeIn her opinion, parents should put aside their arrogance and let their children walk at their own pace in life, not to meet the expectations of others, and have independent and abundant inner strength.

The following is Yuzhou’s story.

“I want my kids to be kids”

I am a "Haidian mom", 35 years old this year. I majored in philosophy for both my undergraduate and graduate studies. My child is in the second grade and is studying at the main campus of Renmin University Primary School.

The first time I saw the term "slow parenting" on social media, I thought it was a great term and it fits my ideas about raising children.Simply put, "slow parenting" is a less hasty way of education.Many people think that education is just a means to live the life they want by studying, taking exams, and making more money in the future. But in my opinion, education is not a means, but something that is integrated into life. It is a value in itself. "Slow parenting" requires parents to respect their children's nature and respect each child's own life clock. In addition, I don't think the whole family should revolve around the children. Parents should also have their own lives. Both children and adults present a relatively calm overall state.

From childhood to adulthood, I have always been a very different kind of mother. In terms of learning, children can be lazy and not like to study, they can be uninterested in various museums, they can spend a lot of time on things they like, and study less on subjects they don't like. As everyone knows, Beijing Haidian is relatively "competitive", and many children learn many subjects ahead of time, but I didn't deliberately require it.

Rather than mastering knowledge ahead of time, I would rather he be a real child and have a more childlike childhood with less judgment from the adult world.In fact, if you think about it carefully, many childhood standards are set by adults. What to play and what to do are the standards set in the minds of adults. The concept of childhood that adults give to children is that they want to be bound to consumerism, successism, elitism, and they must integrate into a certain group... But in fact, when it comes back to the children, they may not want these things. Real children may be happy just digging in the soil and playing marbles.

On weekends, we usually spend a whole day taking him out to play, go to the park, catch small fish and frogs, watch the big duck and the little duck swim around, and go to Beiwu to catch fireflies. We go to the mall, read books with him at home, or hang out with friends. He can be in a daze, do nothing, explore freely, or even do some damage. Children need to have enough free time.

“I also feel stressed when I see other people’s children, but I don’t pass that stress on to my children.”

During the two-month summer vacation, I discussed with my child and arranged two domestic trips. He also signed up for a 10-day Olympiad class. The rest of the time was free for him to read books, practice calligraphy, watch movies, play boxing, etc. I wanted to give him a completely "old-fashioned" summer vacation, with his family by his side, endless watermelon and ice cream, few extracurricular classes, and free time to read.

I also did some research on summer study tours and joined more than 30 groups. I think it's pretty good and I plan to sign up in two years when he is more capable of taking care of himself. There are some voices online saying that study tours should be cancelled because they are too expensive and useless. I think this involves expectations for study tours.Parents need to manage expectations. It is impossible to improve a child's physics, chemistry and other subjects very well through 5 or 7 days of study. It is nothing more than increasing the child's experience.As for whether the price is appropriate, everyone has different feelings. Some people think it is cheap, while others think it is expensive.

I hope I can stick to the concept of "slow parenting" and respect my children. I listen to them more than other parents about what they like and don't like. However, when I see other children learning this and that, I actually feel a certain amount of pressure. If a child has many specialties, such as swimming, singing, etc., I will think that this child is really "slow", and the family is really good at planning and investing a lot.But I will absorb the pressure myself, because this is my business, not my child's, and I should not pass my pressure on to my child.As long as he is at an average level, I still hope that he can explore little by little in his own life rhythm. To be really good at something is something that can only be encountered by chance.

I think that many adults’ distress and anxiety about parenting are because we overly place our own expectations on our children.Educating a child is like taking a snail for a walk. Parents should tolerate his slow pace. Parents have the responsibility to guide their children, but they cannot force them. They should treat them as independent individuals and not abuse their parental power.

"It is not "cramming" for children to learn moderately ahead of their abilities."

My child has been learning boxing and calligraphy since he was young, and he has persisted. When he was two years old, I found that he liked numbers and three-dimensional pictures, so I gave him more challenges in this regard and let him learn more than other children of the same age. Until now, he has no doubts about his mathematical and logical abilities, and he is proud of them. He is also more willing to challenge difficult problems. I also found that he especially likes to look through my jewelry box and ask me what diamonds, rubies, pearls, and gold are. So I bought him a lot of natural minerals and guided him to understand geology and learn chemistry. Finding relative advantages will make him more confident. Like many children learning musical instruments and dancing, he didn't want to learn, and I didn't force him.

So I think parents should be more sensitive to their children's characteristics and provide them with the resources they need for growth.Parents should not drag their children forward like walking a dog, which puts a lot of pressure on them. Instead, they should lift them up. I put a lot of things in front of my children, and they choose how to do it. I don’t care about the results. When I see him doing something he likes, his eyes light up, and I am especially happy for him.

In fact, some people around me, especially those who are not in Beijing, think that I am "pushing my child to learn". Because some of the things that the child learns are relatively advanced, he knows a lot of things, and his thoughts are relatively mature. But I think that if the child learns ahead of time within his ability, the child has a lot of time to control himself and he feels very comfortable, this is not "pushing my child to learn". If the child's ability is not up to the standard, but the parents force him to learn, this is considered "pushing my child to learn".

In addition, from a common sense point of view, "slow parenting" and "chicken baby" seem to be completely opposite concepts, but this is not necessarily the case.For example, some people are willing to spend a long time to grow coffee beans, cultivate them with the right light and water, let the flowers grow with the seeds, and then slowly grind them to finally harvest a cup of fine coffee. Is this "slow parenting" or "chicken baby"? For another example, some people are very particular about efficiency and quickly bake a pancake. They don't require high taste but can fill their stomachs. Is this "slow parenting" or "chicken baby"?

Many parents only care about the form and results, such as how many questions my child has done and how many points he has got. This is definitely wrong. But if you cultivate your children to be diligent and hardworking, pursue excellence, and benefit others and society when they grow up, there is no problem. I will not be disrupted by other people's pace, but I will care about my children's condition and our parent-child relationship. Sometimes, after the children enter the country, they can learn the progress of half a year or even a year in two or three months. The main tasks of each stage are different. When facing the pressure of taking exams or going to school, I will still sprint with my children.

“Children are not my works. Just because my works are good doesn’t mean my life will be good.”

I was the type of person who decided to study philosophy in middle school and high school, and my philosophy career had a great influence on my life philosophy. I have always tried to avoid influencing my children too much because I don’t have the power to do so.I have always told him that mom is just taking care of you, but I cannot influence you too much mentally. You have to have your own judgment. Mom can be wrong and you can refute me.I told him these concepts a long time ago. His greatest characteristic now is that he is very independent in his thinking. He dares to criticize, question and is curious. This is what I really hope to see.

Everyone should put down his arrogance, especially parents.In my observation, there are two types of parents who are prone to being arrogant towards their children. One type of parents have tasted the sweetness and achieved results through their own efforts, such as gaining a foothold in Beijing through studying and finding a good job, but they have not thought about the value and opportunities that the times and opportunities have given to ordinary people, and that today's society and the situation that their children will face in the future may be completely different. The other type of parents' lives are full of regrets and wrong choices, and they always hope that their children will not repeat the same mistakes.

It seems that everyone is unable to break away from their own cognitive limitations. I think that the most we can do is tell our children that our lives are like this. You can refer to it, but the final choice is in your hands.If a child always carries the heavy expectations of his parents and tries to satisfy their wishes, he is actually living for others instead of himself.

In the eyes of some parents, parenting concepts should be part of the ideal concept of life. The kind of life they want to live will naturally influence their children.However, I don’t think my child is my work. My life is not good just because my work is good. If he is good but I am not, I cannot say that I am successful; if he is not good but I am good, I cannot say that I am a failure. My child and I are both independent individuals, and we both have our own life agenda to complete.

Children live in the prophecies of their parents. Only when parents give their children true and positive love will the children be able to distinguish what love is in society in the future.In the process of growing up, what I value most is whether the child really likes and recognizes himself. He does things and makes choices not to meet the expectations of others, nor because of the pressure from teachers or classmates, but just because he wants to do so.If, through his self-exploration and my guidance, he can possess independent and abundant inner strength, I will be very proud and believe that he will benefit from it throughout his life.

Finally, let me end with some simple expectations. I hope that when he grows up, he can make a living by doing what he likes and is good at; marry the right person he likes; have a few friends and hobbies; sleep well at night, eat well during the day, and live a simple life.

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