Why is it so difficult for women in big companies to get married?
2024-08-18
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Internet giants are not only a low-lying area that attracts highly educated, high-income, and high-quality women, but also a "high ground" for single women to find partners. Our reporter found through in-depth visits and observations in these giants that there are extremely complex dilemmas and considerations behind their refusal to fall in love or get married.
This article was published in China Women magazine
The 2023 Internet Enterprise ESG Report shows that women have become an irreplaceable and important force in the development of Internet head enterprises, and are also an indispensable driving force for the development of the entire Internet industry. However, the results of the "Little Objects" survey on the Internet population's marriage and love social platform show that the proportion of single employees in large Internet companies is as high as 85%. Why do women in large companies with outstanding "conditions" delay marriage? What are their views on major life events such as love and marriage? Through the "single diaries" of more than a dozen women in large Internet companies, this magazine's reporter tried to explore the dilemma of choosing a spouse for this group.
The trade-off between age and gender
At 8pm, Xiaopin got on the express train. This was the earliest day she got off work this week. Although the team no longer requires employees to work 996, the deadline for project delivery is next week, and she has not had a day off for three consecutive weeks. Xiaopin rubbed her eyes and looked at the lights of the residents' homes on the street. She knew that the more important task she had to do was to go on a blind date.
Xiao Pin, 33 years old this year, still insists on blind dates, which is somewhat incompatible with the "single first" life principle of her friends around her. Xiao Pin told reporters that she didn't know if she could survive the "life and death line" in the workplace at the age of 35. Working alone in Beijing, she began to yearn for a stable intimate relationship, "but love is something that can only be encountered by chance."
In the process of constantly improving their competitiveness in the workplace, women working in large companies are prone to miss the most competitive age for mate selection in the marriage market. On the one hand, there is the pressure of "30 is a watershed" in the marriage market, and on the other hand, there is the invisible "35-year-old threshold crisis" in the workplace. Women working in large companies who are caught between these two age groups want to take care of both sides, but it is difficult to do so.
Meimei is 1.7 meters tall, has long hair and a very sweet appearance, which is an advantage in the blind date market, but she decided to put personal development first to better realize the value of life. "I graduated from graduate school at the age of 25, and now I can become a team leader because I spend 90% of my time at work." In the fierce competition environment of large companies, every opportunity is like the "last chance", and every decision may affect the future direction.
Meimei's mentality is common among women working in large companies. Like many girls, she graduated from a small county, studied for a master's degree in a first-tier city, and entered a large company. She believes that she can only rely on herself. Before this, Meimei had a relationship that could have led to marriage, but the boyfriend felt that she didn't need to work so hard, and the two broke up because of their different perceptions of future development. "I like this job very much. Although I don't know if I can gain a foothold here, I still want to find out where my ceiling is."
In the fiercely competitive environment of large companies, women in large companies must work hard to gain a foothold in the workplace and obtain better development opportunities. This realistic pressure causes women in large companies to devote more time and energy to their careers.
A-lei was at home, applying a facial mask while watching TV series. The avocado oatmeal energy bowl she ordered would be delivered to her apartment in 5 minutes. "It's good to be alone. It's so comfortable. You can eat whatever you want." The reporter asked A-lei, is it really that good to be alone? She said frankly, "It's not all good, but I'm already very tired at work, and dealing with complicated interpersonal relationships will be even more tiring." In A-lei's view, getting married means getting involved in a more complicated relationship, not to mention "not enough energy". Going to work every day consumes a lot of energy, and she really can't give others emotional value. "If the other person can provide me with emotional value, then we can talk."
Whether it is Xiaopin, Meimei or Alei, they are not as negative and indifferent as they appear. They have imagined walking with that special person in the afterglow of the sunset and talking to each other; they long for a pair of understanding eyes and a solid shoulder in the trivialities of life. However, the rhythm of reality is like an unstoppable locomotive. In the scenery that they glimpse out of the window, there may be love that belongs to them, but this train can no longer stop.
The dilemma under the standard of “getting along well”
At 9 pm, Xiao Pin got on the car to go home. This blind date was still fruitless. An hour of meeting time was not short for Xiao Pin, because the other party's appearance was not bad. She tried to start a conversation, but "there was really no conversation."
Once upon a time, "being able to chat well" became an important criterion for single women to choose a partner. Surprisingly, the vast majority of women in large factories do not care so much about the material conditions of their partners. This is partly due to their clear understanding of themselves and partly due to the high salary income of large factories. "I don't expect to cross the class through marriage, and the other party's conditions are about the same as mine" is the voice of many women. They no longer only value the accumulation of material and external glitz, but are eager to resonate with their other half in the depths of their hearts. A partner with whom they can talk freely, whether sharing trivial and interesting things in life or discussing profound life philosophies, who can understand and respond to each other, has become their ideal choice. There is no need to require the other party to be a soul mate, but the two people must be comfortable together.
On the other hand, "getting along well" also means that you don't have to pretend in front of the other person, and you can express your joy, anger, sorrow, and happiness without reservation. After a day's work, there is someone who patiently listens to your complaints and gives you warm comfort and encouragement. "Getting along well" also means that both parties have similar values and outlooks on life. When facing life choices and challenges, they can quickly reach a consensus, work hand in hand, and move forward together, without frequent quarrels due to differences in opinions, which consumes each other's emotions and energy. The seemingly simple three words "getting along well" have become the standard for these girls who are full of pursuit and personality, like flowers in the mirror and the moon in the water.
In order to increase the chances of finding a good partner, expanding the social circle has become the most convenient and efficient method. Women in large companies are also hesitant on this road. Work takes up most of the day, and the number of single colleagues of the opposite sex around is very limited. Data shows that Internet giants such as ByteDance, Baidu, and Didi have at least 40% female employees. The "competition" for resources is quite fierce. "If people in the same group can develop, they would have developed long ago."
The dating path has been criticized by girls from big factories. "I don't want to go on blind dates. I won't go to any that my parents introduce. They don't know what I want at all." "Just put a clear price on it. I'm not a commodity." In the dating market, people consider many factors when choosing a partner: age, height, appearance, education, family of origin, hobbies, world outlook, cohabitation history... When choosing a profile card, people compare these conditions one by one. "Screening rather than changing" has become the consensus of young people today.
The idea behind this is really thought-provoking. It seems that we can assemble the so-called love object with a large number of measurable physiological and social attributes, just like building blocks. However, in this complex trade-off, we ignore the decisive factor: people, living, flesh-and-blood people with complex emotions and unique souls. If you want to have a wider range of mates, you have to accept the path of objectifying others and alienating yourself. Behind the convenience and efficiency is the inescapable "utilitarianism", which makes women in large factories stay away.
During the interview, the reporter found that compared to blind dates, women in large factories are more inclined to meet their romantic partners through friends' introductions, "friends of friends are more reliable." As for the way to first meet, they choose to hang out with a group of people, "everyone is here to have fun, not for blind dates, so I have less mental pressure." Compared with the traditional blind date form, they prefer to participate in interest activities, such as hiking together, learning musical instruments together, or even a food tasting event, in their opinion, they are more likely to meet like-minded people. The reality is that it is not easy to get a group of people together in a busy life.
It's easy to love but hard to get along
When Pepe, a girl from Dachang, was a child, she witnessed her father cheating on her. "I don't know why my mother always forgave him." After discovering her father's cheating, Pepe would become extremely irritable when in the same space with him, which indirectly affected her view of men. The scenes of her parents quarreling were deeply engraved in Pepe's childhood memory. "I didn't know that experience had such a big impact on me."
The family of origin shapes the individual's emotional expression and communication mode. As an adult, Pepe is full of distrust of relationships. She unconsciously imitates that bad communication style, which leads to many conflicts and misunderstandings with her ex-boyfriend. "After breaking up with him, I also reflected on it. Maybe I am indeed a little suspicious."
The desire to fall in love is strong, and the right partner has been found, but "how to talk" is the third dilemma that lovers need to overcome. For women in large factories, the influence of their original family is difficult to overcome.
Although Xiao Chen has never faced Pepe's problems, her mother often criticizes and blames her. People who grow up in a family environment full of criticism and denial tend to doubt their own values and show excessive inferiority and dependence in love. Xiao Chen often seeks affirmation and praise from her boyfriend, and even deliberately caters to his preferences to get affirmation. Once she doesn't get it, she easily falls into self-denial and anxiety.
"I don't like myself like this either. I'm very tired, but what can I do? I also want to love myself well." Xiao Chen told the reporter, "I can't solve my personality problems. I have no confidence in myself. I searched why I am like this, and the Internet said it was avoidant attachment. I went to explore the cause and found a post on Douban discussing how people with avoidant attachment should fall in love, and why they feel uncomfortable when someone likes them. Someone replied: Don't fall in love if you are so entangled. Although I was hurt, I felt it made sense. If you have problems, you should not hurt others."
Even if they don’t have the troubles of their original families, they still feel uncomfortable with the lack of sincerity and the way of getting along with each other. Feng Feng, who has been in love several times, told reporters, “Nowadays, love is too routine. Why does he always want to control me?” In order to help young people who have difficulty in love successfully get out of being single, there are many “love strategists” on the Internet who help young people with strategies: how to reply to messages, how to use human nature, etc.
In this kind of relationship, sincerity seems to be a rare luxury. Every communication and every action seems to be a carefully calculated and disguised performance. The words lose their real warmth, and the eyes hide elusive meanings. Both men and women are eager to be honest with each other and share their inner joys, sorrows, anger and happiness without reservation, but the reality is full of routines and more routines.
The state of mutual control makes Fengfeng exhausted. "Can't we just have a good relationship? Isn't a simple love between true heart and true heart good?" One party tries to gain the dominant position in the relationship by grasping the other party's weakness, while the other party is always vigilant not to be controlled. Both parties are caught in an endless power game. This kind of back-and-forth competition may not be based on love and respect, but on a lack of courage and fear of giving.
Nowadays, more and more people need friends and partners who will not let them down and will be there for them when they are in urgent need. Under the hardships of life, young people are more eager for the peace of mind brought by stability. This may be the basis for the existence of social software with a valuation of tens of billions. They are built on such a strong demand. In the final analysis, we are afraid of dealing with the complex and ever-changing world alone. We need emotions and need to rely on. However, we are really afraid to devote ourselves to a relationship.
We are afraid of being entangled in complicated emotions, and we worry about being tightly trapped by various visible or invisible constraints. Deep in our hearts, we are always filled with deep worries, always worried about missing some crucial opportunities, wonderful experiences or precious emotions. On the one hand, we hope to have an extremely safe and warm harbor, when the rainstorm hits, when fatigue and helplessness surround you and me, we can find support, get comfort, and accumulate strength again. On the other hand, we always have a strong yearning for freedom, wanting to be able to pursue our dreams at will, to explore the unknown world, to try new things, without being bound by anyone or anything.
This contradictory mentality of wanting stability and pursuing freedom often puts young people today in a dilemma on the road of life. When we try to find a balance between stability and freedom, we often feel extremely confused and bewildered. Sometimes, in order to pursue the long-awaited stability, we may temporarily put aside our yearning for freedom and choose to compromise and accommodate. But as time goes by, the inner desire for freedom will gradually revive and begin to constantly impact the defense line built for stability.
On the contrary, when you pursue freedom desperately, after the initial excitement and passion, loneliness, insecurity and the desire for stability will quietly surge into your heart. You will feel tired and helpless in the journey of wandering alone, and begin to miss the stable harbor that you once regarded as a constraint.
In this way, we are repeatedly wavering between stability and freedom, and it is difficult to make a decision. Every choice is like a gamble, and we don’t know whether we can gain without losing at the same time. This entanglement and struggle has become an unspeakable pain and confusion in our hearts. But it is also this contradiction and struggle that drives today's young women to constantly think and explore, and strive to find the answer that can truly bring peace to their hearts.
Author: Li Yanfei and Wang Zirong
Source: Chinese Women
